I was chatting with CatGirl the other day when the subject of dependence came up. I took the opportunity to explain to her what the consequences were of the choices I made to marry young and start a family at age 21. That it meant that over a decade ago, when it became obvious that my spouse was not as trustworthy as he had seemed, that I was stuck. At that time I spent all day caring for my two young children. He took our only car to work everyday and our neighborhood wasn’t well-served by local bus routes. Which meant not only was I confined within the walls of our home nearly every hour of the day, but I was also ‘stuck’ in a larger sense. I’d never held a full-time job and my bachelor’s degree wasn’t in a marketable field. Even in college when I’d applied for crappy part-time jobs I’d usually been turned down because of my disability (this was back in the day when they could tell you to your face that “We think you just aren’t physically capable of this job”–which meant that somehow my artificial leg would prevent me from answering phones for an office?). And as a cancer survivor, I was also insurance-dependent, knowing that the only means I had for acquiring my expensive prosthetic limbs was via my spouse’s policy. The fear of losing my mobility loomed large.
What I didn’t explain to her then, but will someday, is what followed. After celebrating my 30th birthday I started wearing black all of the time because I felt frumpy and old. Soon, I stopped eating, and then I spent most of the day staring listlessly into space while sitting on the back porch, or curled in a ball leaning against the washing machine and feeling its comforting hum. I thought too often about matches and knives and wanting my life to be over. My chronic bronchitis developed into chronic laryngitis. I whispered and wheezed. And over time I grew smaller and smaller and smaller…
So I told my daughter that I would always support and respect her choices for the future, but I hoped that she would never-ever-ever put herself in a position where she was as dependent as I was. Because everyone deserves mobility and opportunity for employment–even spouses who choose to stay at home and care for their children.
She was listening carefully as I spoke, and she agreed.
I didn’t marry at 21 but did have my first child at 21. When he was 3 months old I started college, knowing that I needed to be able to support us. It was the best decision I made, to make myself independent. And now, 25 years later, nursing allowed me to leave another bad relationship and to be independent again. I’m thankful my young self chose school. I’ve told my daughter and my niece this as well. That men come and go for many reasons, women need to be able to support themselves and their children.
At 30 you lost your voice. Quite symbolic I’m thinking. I’m glad you got your voice back. Glad you took back your life. Take care woman.
Reading this has hit me, I have spent much time in a completely dependent state (financially and physically due to disabilities) and have just recently found independence. It’s been so empowering. I, also, hope my daughter never has to be dependent upon a spouse as I have. Wonderful lessons to teach our girls!
I think often about how an when I'll have this talk(s) with my daughter.
Jana, when did you first start talking to CatGirl about life choices like these?
I’m going to have to think about that, Emily. And perhaps I’ll write a blogpost about it after I do 🙂
Jana…
You’re so poignant and straight forward in your writing… I really appreciate that about you! Thankyou for sharing some of your painful situations, as the lessons taught/learned are invaluable! I think you’re a WONDERFUL person with so many talents! Keep your chin up (as you do) and be thankful for all that you have and are (your gratitude shows in your posts). I’m SO impressed with you, and feel sad for John and what he has allowed himself to lose.. Best Wishes Today and Always 😉 HUGS, Julie
Thanks, Julie. It means a lot to me that you took the time to leave a comment on my blog.
🙂
I have these sorts of conversations with The D as well. Only mine are about addiction, and how it can break a family apart. But yes, the dependency issue is huge for me, and wanting her to have a life that, while enhanced by someone else, is not tied this way.
You know, the more you blog, the more I realize just how much I like having you in my life.
Melissa: (You are too kind.) I’m glad that we’re both having these conversations with our daughters and I wonder how it will change (or not change) their choices…
I don’t know that it will change her choices, so much as give them to her. I said yes to marriage because that is what I was supposed to want. Don’t get me wrong…marrying JH was a good thing, because I got The D out of it, and learned a lot about myself in the process, but what about not wanting what’s expected? I want The D to be able to want what she wants in a way that enhances her life, not meeting others’ expectations.