{"id":1343,"date":"2008-03-09T22:16:00","date_gmt":"2008-03-09T22:16:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/janaremy.com\/?p=1343"},"modified":"2008-03-09T22:16:00","modified_gmt":"2008-03-09T22:16:00","slug":"intensity","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.janaremy.com\/pilgrimsteps\/2008\/03\/09\/intensity\/","title":{"rendered":"intensity"},"content":{"rendered":"<style type=\"text\/css\">.flickr-photo { border: solid 2px #000000; }.flickr-yourcomment { }.flickr-frame { text-align: left; padding: 3px; }.flickr-caption { font-size: 0.8em; margin-top: 0px; }<\/style>\n<div class=\"flickr-frame\">\t<a href=\"http:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/pilgrimgirl\/1401699731\/\" title=\"photo sharing\"><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/farm2.static.flickr.com\/1052\/1401699731_ff0808ee16.jpg\" class=\"flickr-photo\" alt=\"\" \/><\/a><br \/>\t<span class=\"flickr-caption\"><a href=\"http:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/pilgrimgirl\/1401699731\/\">starflower<\/a>, originally uploaded by <a href=\"http:\/\/www.flickr.com\/people\/pilgrimgirl\/\">pilgrimgirl<\/a>.<\/span><\/div>\n<p class=\"flickr-yourcomment\">\tI rarely do things half-heartedly.  I tend to be committed, intense, focused, passionate.  When I attend church I sing the hymns with vim and vigor.  I don&#8217;t sit in the back acting apathetic or embarrassed.  I&#8217;m a front-row person.<\/p>\n<p>Which may speak volumes for why I no longer regularly attend LDS services.  Because if I can&#8217;t wholeheartedly participate, there seems little value in being there.  At least for me.  Those who knew me as a Mormon can attest to the fact that I was gung-ho and actively involved until I stopped attending.  Even when I occasionally return to Mormon events, it is with some fervor&#8211;the shared vision of a service activity, the opportunity to support a friend, engaging in the academic study of Mormonism, etc.  For me, I was either &#8220;drinking the Kool-Aid&#8221;, carrying the card, and wearing the garments or not.  I saw no middle way of &#8216;sort of&#8217; being active or &#8216;sometimes&#8217; keeping the rules.  I&#8217;m not saying that my way is right for everyone, but it&#8217;s just how I am&#8230;<\/p>\n<p>However, with Quakerism I have purposefully cultivated a kind of detached involvement.  I love worshiping in Meeting, relish time spent with Friends, and support my Quaker community in a wide variety of ways.  But I haven&#8217;t stepped up to any position of responsibility.  Not for lack of desire, but because I felt it important to, for a season, let myself not become too intense and dogmatic about my new faith community.  I didn&#8217;t want to replace one type of dogma (LDS) with another that would be just as rigid.  Rather, I wanted my Quaker participation to unfold more gradually, so that I could experience and test each facet of the tradition as I weighed my own adherence to its traditions and tenets.<\/p>\n<p>This experiment has not been without some level of friction for me.  At times I have felt guilty for not committing completely.  At times I have felt that I&#8217;ve disappointed others.  At times I have berated myself for not investing more, for not using more of my abilities to further Quakerism.<\/p>\n<p>But on the other hand&#8230;as a Mormon I covenanted all of my time, talents, and resources to building God&#8217;s kingdom.  I took that oath seriously and continually struggled with any failure to fully serve God and the church.   As a Quaker I no longer hold to such binding oaths.  I am more in the mode of taking each new day on its own terms.  Of not sacrificing so much self at the expense of higher ideals.  I focus more on individuals and less on institutional programs.  I am still my intense self, but I have a variety of professional and personal outlets for my passions instead of directing them all towards a religion.  <\/p>\n<p>This may change over time.  I may eventually find myself led to take a greater role in my Quaker community.  But for now I enjoy spending more time focused on John and my children.  More time in silence.  More time writing and contemplating.  More time laughing and even playing.  I may, perhaps, be enjoying my life just too much&#8211;which seems a guilty pleasure, indeed.<\/p>\n<p>But life is such a fleeting gift&#8211;it begs such enjoyment!  I no longer have the expectation of eternal reward and glory.  I only have today and now.  And that means that my passion is invested in this moment.  This one, right now.  There will never be another one just the same, and I don&#8217;t want to let it pass me by unremarked or unspent.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>starflower, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl. I rarely do things half-heartedly. I tend to be committed, intense, focused, passionate. When I attend church I sing the hymns with vim and vigor. I don&#8217;t sit in the back acting apathetic or embarrassed. I&#8217;m a front-row person. Which may speak volumes for why I no longer regularly attend [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":5435,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1343","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v28.7 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>intensity - PilgrimSteps<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.janaremy.com\/pilgrimsteps\/2008\/03\/09\/intensity\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"intensity - PilgrimSteps\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"starflower, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl. I rarely do things half-heartedly. I tend to be committed, intense, focused, passionate. When I attend church I sing the hymns with vim and vigor. I don&#8217;t sit in the back acting apathetic or embarrassed. I&#8217;m a front-row person. 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