Author Archives: janaremy@gmail.com

a new socket

If all goes well, today I’ll be getting a new socket for my prosthetic leg. This has been (too) long in coming, mostly because I’ve been traveling or living away from home for the past 6 months. Getting a new socket involves a series of ‘test socket’ fittings and numerous small adjustments to get the fit just right. Even a minor misadjustment can result in painful sores (or, as the case may be, ugly skin infections that result from such sores). So it’s important to be available for adjustments in the weeks that follow after getting the new socket.

Most of all, I’m looking forward to having a leg that doesn’t just “fall off” at random times. Though I think I’ve become rather adept at covering those moments that my limb spontaneously detaches from my body, it’ll be a relief not to have this as a constant concern…

One question that’s on the table for me again is whether to get ‘cosmesis’ (or an aesthetic, symmetric covering) on my leg. I go back and forth on this. I like letting my robotic innards show, but it draws a huge amount of attention in public and it also reinforces my disability in ways that make me uncomfortable. Added to that is the fact that clothes fit oddly when one leg has a normal-to-largeish diameter and the other has a 4″ calf. Perhaps I ought to go with the steampunk look, or go with a new 3-D print fabrication method?  I haven’t made up my mind yet…

For further reading, some of my older posts about my leg:
A Photo Tribute to a Well-Traveled Limb
I, Robot
With a Leg to Stand On
The Ocean & Me (where I discuss my ‘beach’ leg)

She knew…so she became a woman

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“So Janie waited a bloom time, and a green time, and an orange time. But when the pollen again gilded the sun and sifted down on the world, she began to stand around the gate and expect things…She knew that God tore down the old world every morning and built a new one at sun-up. It was wonderful to see it take form with the sun and emerge from the grey dust of its making. The familiar people and things had failed her so she hung over the gate and looked up the road a ways off. She knew that marriage did not make love. Jamie’s first dream was dead, so she became a woman.”

~From Their Eyes Were Watching God (via Deborah)

Photo of a rose in the rain at the Huntington Library

close up

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Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you.
~Maori Proverb

The picture above is a close-up of the lime tree that’s blooming on my porch right now.  I wish I could send the smell along with the image–it’s divine.  🙂

Only good…

thoughtful

I spent time with two different close friends yesterday and both said something similar to me about my life since separating from John.  Both affirmed how much good has happened for me since then.  One even went as far as to say that “only good has come of your splitting.”

I don’t know if I’d wholly agree that it’s all been “good.”  After all, it’s been emotionally difficult (even traumatizing) to navigate the realities of sharing the custody of our children, and of facing the future without a spouse at my side.

However…I am the kind of person that tends to rebound quickly from setbacks.  That’s a lesson learned from so many difficult experiences early in my life.  And I was already headed on an exciting professional trajectory, which in some ways is only made smoother now that I don’t have a partner to negotiate with over the details of my choices, or to distract me from my goals.  There’s an absolute headiness that comes from knowing that I’m charting my own course now, and can depend on my own strength to get me there.

I’m reminded of an experience I had taking a friend out paddling for the first time.  Usually, I take it pretty easy on those who aren’t used to the physical toll of canoeing–it’s hard work!  Often we don’t even make it to the PCH bridge, which is about a mile away from our launch point.  However, this friend (a vibrant divorced professional woman) was a powerhouse in the canoe, despite not having an athletic lifestyle.  When I asked her about it later, she said that she’d learned many years ago to do things herself: when she remodeled her home, landscaped her yard, and so forth.  That being single taught her to tap hidden reserves of strength.  I could see that when she paddled and I could see it in her life.  And now….I’m learning that lesson, too.

seeing red

mon cheriThis morning I’m contemplating an exciting weekend ahead and realizing that today is simply feeling “red”–full of energy and possibility.

This little poem excerpt from Eugene Fields is a favorite–one that I learned from a biography of Minerva Teichert (a painter who knew how to user her red!):

Any color, so long as it’s red,
Is the color that suits me best,
Though I will allow there is much to be said
For yellow and green and the rest;
But the feeble tints which some affect
In the things they make or buy
Have never–I say it with all respect–
Appealed to my critical eye…

une orange sur la table

an orange (for lunch)
A lot of questions are bubbling up about the future. About what I want for my life and where I see myself headed. On so many fronts, I simply have no idea. Sure, I’ll keep working at my job and on my dissertation. I’ll continue caring for my children. For the time being I’ll stay in my current home. But my days are filled with moments where I realize, I just don’t know what lies ahead. And I’m not sure I even care to think too deeply about it either. Yes, I worry occasionally (which usually prompts me to go check my bank account balances and take a few deep breaths).

The past few days I’ve been in a whirlwind of busy-ness because of the THATCamp conference I hosted at Chapman. Organizing such an event is an absolute delight–especially sitting at the feet of scholars whose work outshines mine in so many ways. But now I have a ‘to-do’ list that is quite long. I put off many personal tasks until this event was over, knowing that I could only handle ‘so much’ this past week given all that’s been happening in my life.

However, instead of thinking about the future and my lists and my uber-weird life, I am sitting here looking out the window at this fresh new day and am just being. A friend brought me a tree-ripened orange yesterday and I’m slowly slicing it and savoring each bite. And remembering my favorite poem of orange– the first French poem that I ever attempted to translate–and focusing on the “sweet present of the present” and realizing that sometimes that is simply enough.

Alicante

Une orange sur la table
Ta robe sur le tapis
Et toi dans mon lit
Doux présent du présent
Fraîcheur de la nuit
Chaleur de ma vie

~Jacques Prevert

The orange in the picture above was one that I picked from the satsuma tree in my garden. A tree that was a birthday gift from my mother a few years ago & now sits in a pot on my porch.

Resemblance?

IMGP7436Lately I’ve been meeting a lot of people “in real life” that I’ve only known online previously.  Many have remarked that I look quite different than my photos portray me (most say I look younger than my photos, which is certainly flattering).  So….I’m curious…for those of you who know me in meatspace, would you be willing to take a look at the flickr photoset of my pictures and tell me which one(s) look the most like me? I’m looking to update my various online avatars and want to do so with pictures that are both flattering and more accurate as to my real ‘look.’

Also, if you’re a photographer, you’re more than welcome to have a go at helping me take some better pictures–but I should reveal upfront that I’m not always the most agreeable subject (as in the photo above where I got quite tired of posing for a friend who was trying to take a serious picture of me…)

Thanks!

Picture above taken by Jessawhy.

a window into this week…

I moved back to my home last Saturday.  Which is now more my home than it ever has been–the majority of John’s stuff being gone, as well as the half of our property that he took along with him to his new life.  As far as these things go, I’d say that the transition has been a fairly smooth one.  But it is also strange how this all plays out on a day-to-day basis…so I thought I’d list a few of my experiences this week to illustrate how things are going this far…

  • Bought new bedlinens.  I kept our bed (which I love), but it seemed a necessary thing to make a substantive change to make it ‘mine’ rather than ‘ours.’
  • Speaking of ‘ours’…a friend noticed that I still use this word when discussing my home.  It’s a hard habit to break.
  • At the local rock climbing gym, several people hailing me as “John’s wife.”  Explaining to them that I am no longer John’s wife, and trying to ignore the uncomfortable pause at the end of that interaction.  But supposing that they’ll remember to call me Jana the next time we meet.
  • The challenge of my attempts to cook in the kitchen.  I open cupboards to retrieve familiar implements and ingredients, only to find them gone.  Or perhaps moved to a place where I haven’t found them yet.  It will take some time before I know my way around that once-familiar space again.
  • Filling out permission slips for a field trip for the kids.  Realizing that the familiar blanks of those forms are now filled out differently with two parents in two different homes.  Just one more thing to get used to.
  • A note from an LDS friend, inviting me back to Mormon church.  (Sigh).  For the record: I have no desire to be LDS now that we’re divorcing.  If anything, just the opposite.
  • Having primary custody of the children.  Loving that they are nearly always home when I am and enjoying how good it feels to hug them when I walk in the door after work and before we all go to bed at night.
  • Going clothes shopping with a friend who encouraged me to move outside my familiar and somewhat conservative ‘Mom’ style.  Shopping at stores that I haven’t been in since I was a teenager, and letting go of the feeling that I need to ‘dress my age.’
  • Coming across a folder of cards from John, including the one he wrote me on the two-month anniversary of our marriage that says “it’s like living in a dream to be eternally married to you….”.  Remembering just how young and naive we were then and wondering…wondering…but also knowing that the what-ifs simply don’t matter now.
  • Tobykitty’s health stabilizing one more time.  Appreciating that the loss of her is not combined with all of the other losses in our family right now.  Pondering just how many more lives she has to left to spare (fingers crossed).
  • Two different friends noticing that I am constantly apologizing (for the strangest things, like tonite when I apologized for my dinner smelling so good).  A habit I’ve slipped into over the past few years that will take some time undo…
  • Taking down the photos of us still hanging on my walls.  Seeing the tender notes  from John written on the backs of frames.  Wondering what the hell I am supposed to do with this memorabilia now.  Toss? Keep? Burn?
  • Having an in-person conversation with John about one of our children (our first live interaction in quite awhile).  Our shared concern filling the space between us.  Considering how our love for our kids continues to bind us to each other.
  • This big empty living room where I am now typing.  I have the intention to go and buy a couch and some art for the empty walls, but I’d rather just be ‘home’ right now.  Retail therapy leaves me feeling so empty afterward.
  • The indentation of my wedding ring that still lingers on the 4th finger of my left hand.

memories…

Among the many things unearthed from John moving out of my home were some old photos. It’s been fun to look through these and remember what life was like for us when we were first experimenting with digital photography.

As an example, here’s a shot of me giving my first talk at a UCI conference in 2004. For an even more amusing view, you can see my ankle-length skirt (which, back then, was one of my favorites to wear while teaching seminary classes to Mormon teenagers):

Looking at that picture, I can remember how truly happy I was to be on the brink of beginning graduate school (I’d just barely accepted UCI’s offer for their PhD program). I’d already done several years of coursework at junior college and then took classes as a non-matriculated student for a year to prepare myself for re-entry into full-time academia. It was such a thrill to see that investment coming to fruition.  I can still hardly believe how fortunate I am to have found a career path that brings me so much joy.

2011

I’ve listened to the video below over and over again. Gaiman’s voice is simply gorgeous and his words ring with so much possibility…

This year I intend to be wise and kind. I intend to create art and write important words. I intend to love and to like the people that I am with. I intend to dream outrageously and dangerously (and perhaps more importantly, I intend to take the steps necessary to fulfill those dreams).

This year ahead has a fairly well-defined script: file my dissertation, get divorced, turn 40. But I also suspect that it holds some miraculous surprises. So that next year when I write my wrap-up, it will be more than I ever imagined. (For a walk down memory lane, here’s my 2009 end-of-the-year blog entry.)

What about you, what do you imagine this next year holds?