“The soul is a process, not a thing: therefore you cannot put it in a box (or a book) and close the lid. It will crawl out and keep changing…I keep trying to recapture myself at different periods of my life and it is impossible because even as I write, I change. Both the passage of time and the process of writing change me. And though I try to skewer bits of reality with the point of my pen, inevitably memory fails me, words fail me, and the picture is fragmentary and false. Worse still, this falsehood will be seen by the reader as the literal truth and only I will realize how many discrepancies and holes and sins of omission I have committed, how many tattered fragments masquerade as the tapestry entire.”
~Erica Jong, How to Save Your Own Life
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I simply go on drifting…
An excerpt from Mary Oliver’s “What is There Beyond Knowing”
What I know
I could put into a pack
as if it were bread and cheese, and carry it
on one shoulder,
important and honorable, but so small!
While everything else continues, unexplained
and unexplainable. How wonderful it is
to follow a thought quietly
to its logical end.
I have done this a few times.
But mostly I just stand in the dark field,
in the middle of the world, breathing
in and out. Life so far doesn’t have any other name
but breath and light, wind and rain.
If there’s a temple, I haven’t found it yet.
I simply go on drifting, in the heaven of the grass and the weeds.
stepping stones…
About a year ago I applied for membership in my local Quaker Meeting. Joining a Quaker Meeting is not like joining a religion like Mormonism–there’s not a proscribed set of rituals involved in the process and it’s largely a local matter.
My reasons for joining were numerous, but they boiled down to something very simple…it just felt right. Every time I considered the choice, I felt full of joy and light. I tried to talk myself out of it several times. There was no compelling reason for me to join–there was no barrier to my participating fully in the community as an ‘attender’ rather than as a member. But I also wanted to be true to the leading that I’d felt to join, especially when doing so produced such a strong feeling of satisfaction.
To join I wrote a simple letter to the clerk of our Meeting, explaining to her why I felt compelled to seek membership. Some important points in that letter included my desire to take on the identity of a Quaker, my family’s support in my doing so, and my acknowledgement that this choice might not sit well with my Mormon leaders. I expressed a desire to maintain a dual religious identity, knowing that both traditions are deeply important to me. Then the clerk, along with the Ministry & Oversight Committee, put together a group of women to serve on my membership committee. I met with them and discussed my feelings about seeking membership. It was a delightful experience and I felt such deep peace with this decision.
As a public acknowledgment of my decision, the Orange County Friends held a ‘Welcoming Meeting’ for me yesterday, which was an outdoor inter-generational potluck of Friends & friends. The Meeting presented me with a copy of Mothers of Feminism: The Story of Quaker Women in America, which I can’t wait to read (and what a great match for my interest in American feminism!)! Frankly, I was rather embarrassed to be the center of attention at this event, but also felt such happiness at celebrating this occasion with so many people that cared for me and my spiritual journey.
Officially becoming a Quaker changes very little about who I am, but it is one more important stepping stone on the path of my pilgrim-life. More than I can express with words, I appreciate all of you who are supporting me–either virtually or in “real-life”–as I make my way on this journey.
John took some great pics of my party.
pilgrim classic: flying mountain
Originally published on 10/23/2007:
Tonite I watched an interview of housewife-turned-Buddhist-nun Pema Chodron with some friends. Chodron spoke about many common Buddhist concepts, with her own unique spin on the issues of pain and suffering and the goal to be ‘fully awake.’
For me, the most provocative quotation from the program was this one:
“We are all capable of becoming fundamentalists because we get addicted to other people’s wrongness.”
She spoke at length about how this addiction, or ‘getting hooked’ as she calls it, sets off a chain reaction of suffering. By removing ourselves from the addictive cycle we can have more peace and compassion.
I love that idea. I am certainly guilty of being addicted to other people’s wrongness just as I am guilty of being addicted to my own rightness. I recognize that this is a very rigid way to live, but it is so human…sigh.
What I really want…to see the divine in each person I meet and not to feel anger and self-righteousness when someone believes differently than I do. So I will keep trying….
Note: the picture above is of some Buddhist carvings on the “Flying Mountain” at the Lingyin Temple in Hangzhou, China. The day I visited the temple nearly two years ago it was rainy and cold, the ground so slippery underfoot that it was difficult to walk around the temple and monastery. Yet there were still dozens of worshipers lighting huge bundles of incense outside of the temple and saying their prayers. I was impressed by the devotion of the adherents. That day I also felt very homesick for my family back in the states. At the foot of the Buddha I said prayers for their continued safety and felt great comfort.
today
When I was a young girl I had a diary that said, on the front cover:
“Today is the first day of the rest of your life…”
And today, I am truly feeling that way.
skeptical
Mr. Deity has done it again…(FYI for those new to Mr. Deity: “Lucy” is Lucifer)
a penny for you
If you cultivate a healthy poverty and simplicity, so that finding a penny will literally make your day, then, since the world is in fact planted in pennies, you have with your poverty bought a lifetime of days.
~Annie Dillard, “Seeing,” Pilgrim at Tinker Creek
This still-life image is one I snapped in Brooke’s lovely home. The morning light made every angle of her kitchen beautiful.
a few more steps for this pilgrim soul…
Picture above is one of the lonely lanes I wandered while in Cape Cod–it led down to a beach inlet where I enjoyed browsing the flats and snapping pictures.
I will admit that I wasn’t always entirely comfortable on my rambles. The lanes were often isolated and forested. I didn’t know what was lurking in the shade. I never saw other pedestrians and seldom any vehicles on the road. I was alone.
Some days I find that solitude brings a sense of confidence–I love doing things by myself and not having dependencies on others. But some days I crave knowing that others are close by. And today is one of those days. I’m feeling insecure and desire validation. Most likely this stems from a realization of how misunderstood my life is to others–especially those who don’t understand an intentional choice of small footprint living, who don’t understand that I am a gypsy at heart and I would far rather have experiences (or kittens) than fancy stuff. “Things” bring me very little joy. I am a person who likes to pack light and keep it simple. In addition, I don’t get much satisfaction from being so focused on the future that I can’t enjoy today. Thoughts of eternal consequences are so remote. Instead, I’m present in this very day and this very moment. I am as easily delighted by a spiderweb as by a sweet strawberry from my garden. And they are both the face of the divine to me.
So I’m in the process now, of making choices that may alienate me from friends who can’t understand my heart and my soul. Who don’t understand why my authenticity can be more important than my certainty. It’s hard for me to do this–I don’t like black and white choices. I’m more comfortable with zones of gray (and brown and vermilion and azure-blue). I want pictures and poetry and sunshine. I want the waves crashing so loudly around me that I can forget those who just don’t understand me anymore.
things past & present
I’ll be visiting Denver next week to attend a History conference. Of course I’m looking forward to it–autumn in the Mile High City is always spectacular!
But you know what’s even better than spending a few days with my colleagues in the shadows of the Rockies? Thanks to the magic of FaceBook, I’ll be reuniting with some old friends while I’m there, even my best friend from Middle School. It’s been 25 years since we attended school together in the suburbs of Denver and a whole lot of life has happened since then. But I can’t wait to get caught up!
And, in the spirit of remembering things past, while I’m in Denver I’ll be spending time in the archives of the Children’s Hospital–where my bone cancer was treated so many years ago. I’ll be employing my historian skills in reading my medical files this time, rather than the records of 19th-century medical patients. While I was undergoing my treatments I was so ill that I can’t remember much from that time period at all–my mind blocked out much of the trauma. So I’m looking forward to finding those years of my life once again.
Picture of me and DeeDee at Winter Park, just a few months after my amputation surgery. I’m wearing about a dozen bracelets on my arm, and you know what’s funny about that? At dinnertime tonite I was remarking on Catgirl’s bracelets and telling her how I used to wear similar ones back when I was her age. 🙂
off-season
As part of my New England travels last week, I had a few spare days in between various meetings. So I decided to book a room by myself at a charming Cape Cod B&B called The Old Sea Pines Inn. While there I spent nearly all day writing, only venturing out in the late afternoons for walks around the environs. What a heavenly experience!
It was off-season in the Cape, so everything was quite quiet. I got a reduced rate at the Inn and even though I was technically sharing a bathroom, I was never actually sharing with anyone. The breakfasts were large and tasty and there was “tea” each afternoon (which I loved, of course). The front veranda was perfect for reading in the evening, the back porch was an idyllic spot for breakfast, and the parlor had plenty of cozy couches for all-day writing sessions.
I expect to return again soon enough–though I’d like to bring my family along next time and share some of the Cape magic with them!
P.S. There’s a charming bookstore just one block down the street from the Inn, which is definitely an asset to any vacation spot! Thumbs up to the clerk who not only helped me find Mary Oliver, but also gave me a pen so I could mark my favorite lines.
Picture taken in the Old Sea Pines Inn garden–a lovely spot for weddings!