Category Archives: deep thoughts

by leaving our safety net…

Oh, I love this article and the connections it draws between lust and wanderlust. I’ve done a bit of that myself, these past few months, so I can relate to Eaves’ stories–there’s something so fresh with potential when meeting someone new while traveling…

Written on five small sheets of yellow notepaper, the letter read in part: “By leaving our safety net, we have thrown our souls upon the wind, exposing ourselves to all of the fears and dangers that we sought to protect each other from, and in doing so, we have made ourselves available to experience things that … border on the magical.”

francophilia & future dreams

Recently I told a friend the story of the print that hangs on my bedroom wall.  It’s a Mary Cassatt, called “Summertime,” and I purchased the print in the spring of 1987.  How do I remember that date so well?  Because I’d just turned 16 and attended a local painting exhibit with a boyfriend–my first real ‘date.’  And the first time I remember seeing art hanging in a gallery.  I saw my first Titian and my first Rembrandt, and the accompanying music was beautiful.  Sort of as if I was seeing the world in a new way, to see how painters viewed it.  So my mother bought the print for me and framed it and it’s hung in my home ever since.

Cassatt’s painting resonated with me at some level because of the water–nearly every art-print that I’ve ever bought has a lake/ocean/canal theme.  But it also meant something important to me because of who she was–an American woman who traveled to Paris to study her craft.  She inspired me to reach higher than my own smallish ambitions and to dream of living abroad someday.  Although I’d already begun studying the French language by the time I encountered Cassatt, her work cemented my desire to learn that language and fostered an enduring passion for French culture, too.

When I first committed to returning to school ten years ago, it was no surprise that the first classes I took were to hone up my French.  And then I had the serendipity of finding an amazing French teacher, who understood the power of big dreams (and I just now googled Jody to find a link to her book and learned that she died in March.  Oh. Ouch. I’d long dreamed of getting ‘caught up’ with her again…).
She wrote, of her book:

“There was a theme that was being played out on a daily basis in the lives of practically every woman I knew (not to mention my own): how can a woman satisfy the demands of the creative will and still preserve an intimate life? All the women I interviewed were driven in one direction or another by the fierce imperative of the creative will – whether to art, literature, psychology, or music. And all of them refused to sacrifice the private dimension of their lives: all were unwilling to give up the intimate and sexual rewards of a woman’s life…These interviews document the joys and difficulties of being a productive human being in the shape of a woman.” 

Wear sunscreen…

Some advice from a friend for my upcoming trip: “Do something every day that scares you” (and, wear sunscreen)…. I especially think that sunscreen advice is going to come in handy as I try out my very first European beach! 😉

 

Picture of me above, taken on a happy afternoon while at the Annenberg Photography Space in Santa Monica.

cliche

Let’s see, since I’m middle-aged and divorced and trying to make a new path for my life, I think that means it’s time to go to Italy, right?  I’ll be just like Diane Lane and Elizabeth Gilbert…and before you know it, I’ll not only have a villa, a foreign lover, and a new outlook on the world, but I’ll finally be the real me.  Don’t you think?

dependence

the living room
I was chatting with CatGirl the other day when the subject of dependence came up.  I took the opportunity to explain to her what the consequences were of the choices I made to marry young and start a family at age 21.  That it meant that over a decade ago, when it became obvious that my spouse was not as trustworthy as he had seemed, that I was stuck.  At that time I spent all day caring for my two young children.  He took our only car to work everyday and our neighborhood wasn’t well-served by local bus routes.  Which meant not only was I confined within the walls of our home nearly every hour of the day, but I was also ‘stuck’ in a larger sense.  I’d never held a full-time job and my bachelor’s degree wasn’t in a marketable field.  Even in college when I’d applied for crappy part-time jobs I’d usually been turned down because of my disability (this was back in the day when they could tell you to your face that “We think you just aren’t physically capable of this job”–which meant that somehow my artificial leg would prevent me from answering phones for an office?).  And as a cancer survivor, I was also insurance-dependent, knowing that the only means I had for acquiring my expensive prosthetic limbs was via my spouse’s policy.  The fear of losing my mobility loomed large.

What I didn’t explain to her then, but will someday, is what followed.  After celebrating my 30th birthday I started wearing black all of the time because I felt frumpy and old.  Soon, I stopped eating, and then I spent most of the day staring listlessly into space while sitting on the back porch, or curled in a ball leaning against the washing machine and feeling its comforting hum.  I thought too often about matches and knives and wanting my life to be over.  My chronic bronchitis developed into chronic laryngitis.  I whispered and wheezed.  And over time I grew smaller and smaller and smaller…

So I told my daughter that I would always support and respect her choices for the future, but I hoped that she would never-ever-ever put herself in a position where she was as dependent as I was.  Because everyone deserves mobility and opportunity for employment–even spouses who choose to stay at home and care for their children.

She was listening carefully as I spoke, and she agreed.

a great lover…

pale pink rose

A friend shared the poem below on my Facebook page recently, and it literally left me breathless as I read (note: I’ve made a few changes here to make it a bit more female-positive).

A few days ago I was having a thoughtful chat with another friend and it struck me how hard my life has often been–in that I’ve had to bend and alter my path because of situations beyond my control.  So many of my wishes and desires are unfulfilled.  There are so many ‘what ifs’ to my life that I simply can’t pursue because of circumstance.  But despite this, I feel as though I’ve surrendered myself to these restrictions and found even more freedom through doing so.  In large part, I think my ability to surface from a morass is because I simply love life so much, and I find huge pleasure in the smallest of things.  Perhaps that’s the result of having survived so much already, or perhaps it’s simply my nature.  I don’t know.  But it makes me feel buoyant and strong.

The Great Lover
by Rupert Brooke

I have been so great a lover: filled my days
So proudly with the splendour of Love’s praise,
The pain, the calm, and the astonishment,
Desire illimitable, and still content,
And all dear names [wo]men use, to cheat despair,

For the perplexed and viewless streams that bear
Our hearts at random down the dark of life.
Now, ere the unthinking silence on that strife
Steals down, I would cheat drowsy Death so far,
My night shall be remembered for a star

That outshone all the suns of all [wo]men’s days.
Shall I not crown them with immortal praise
Whom I have loved, who have given me, dared with me
High secrets, and in darkness knelt to see

The inenarrable god[dess]head of delight?

Love is a flame;—we have beaconed the world’s night.
A city:—and we have built it, these and I.

An emp[ress]:—we have taught the world to die.
So, for their sakes I loved, ere I go hence,
And the high cause of Love’s magnificence,
And to keep loyalties young, I’ll write those names
Golden for ever, eagles, crying flames,
And set them as a banner, that [wo]men may know,
To dare the generations, burn, and blow
Out on the wind of Time, shining and streaming….
These I have loved:
White plates and cups, clean-gleaming,
Ringed with blue lines; and feathery, faery dust;
Wet roofs, beneath the lamp-light; the strong crust
Of friendly bread; and many-tasting food;
Rainbows; and the blue bitter smoke of wood;
And radiant raindrops couching in cool flowers;
And flowers themselves, that sway through sunny hours,
Dreaming of moths that drink them under the moon;
Then, the cool kindliness of sheets, that soon
Smooth away trouble; and the rough male kiss
Of blankets; grainy wood; live hair that is
Shining and free; blue-massing clouds; the keen

Unpassioned beauty of a great machine;

The benison of hot water; furs to touch;
The good smell of old clothes; and other such—
The comfortable smell of friendly fingers,
Hair’s fragrance, and the musty reek that lingers
About dead leaves and last year’s ferns….
Dear names,
And thousand others throng to me! Royal flames;
Sweet water’s dimpling laugh from tap or spring;
Holes in the ground; and voices that do sing:
Voices in laughter, too; and body’s pain,
Soon turned to peace; and the deep-panting train;
Firm sands; the little dulling edge of foam
That browns and dwindles as the wave goes home;

And washen stones, gay for an hour; the cold

Graveness of iron; moist black earthen mould;
Sleep; and high places; footprints in the dew;
And oaks; and brown horse-chestnuts, glossy-new;
And new-peeled sticks; and shining pools on grass;—
All these have been my loves. And these shall pass.
Whatever passes not, in the great hour,
Nor all my passion, all my prayers, have power
To hold them with me through the gate of Death.
They’ll play deserter, turn with the traitor breath,
Break the high bond we made, and sell Love’s trust

And sacramented covenant to the dust.
—Oh, never a doubt but, somewhere, I shall wake,
And give what’s left of love again, and make

New friends, now strangers….
But the best I’ve known,

Stays here, and changes, breaks, grows old, is blown
About the winds of the world, and fades from brains
Of living [wo]men, and dies.
Nothing remains.

O dear my loves, O faithless, once again
This one last gift I give: that after [wo]men
Shall know, and later lovers, far-removed
Praise you, “All these were lovely”; say, “[S]he loved.”

dropping from the veils of the morning…

It’s a quiet morning, the members of my household all working in different tasks.  Working together, but separate.  There’s the sound of a neighbor’s friendly conversation that can be faintly heard through the window.  The cawing of crows outside the front of our home is not so faint.  But there are songbirds, too.  And an occasional motorcycle or loud-ish car passing.  There’s the tinkle of Ellycat’s bell as she wanders from room to room looking for a warm lap.  And the living room is full of soft morning light.

A few days ago, Catgirl asked me about my synesthesia, specifically curious about the types of sensory cross-over that I experience.  I don’t have the common variety of text-to-visual synesthesia.  Rather, I have visual-to-sound and touch-to-visual.  I explained to her that it’s why I can find it so difficult to shop in a mall or in an unfamiliar grocery store–the ‘loud’ designs of the displays create a tornado of sound in my head.  It’s hard to process so much visual-sound all at once.  It makes me want to find a dim quiet place to sit down and close my eyes. But, on the other hand, if I’m somewhere like an art museum and can take time to savor each painting, the result is far more melodic.

Lately, I’ve found that images with rich brown-grey colors are yielding such peaceful-quiet tones in my mind.  There’s something about their softness that makes me breathe a little deeper and feel more relaxed.  It’s almost beyond description, the way my mind makes sounds from images–so I don’t know if this makes any sense at all to someone who hasn’t experienced it.  It’s similar to the way I feel when I read some poetry, such as the classic “Lake Isle of Innisfree.”

Here are some of my recent favorite “quiet” photos:

[flickrslideshow acct_name=”pilgrimgirl” id=”72157626821277615″]

The Lake Isle of Innisfree
By William Butler Yeats
I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree,
And a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made;
Nine bean rows will I have there, a hive for the honeybee,
And live alone in the bee-loud glade.

And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow,
Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings;
There midnight’s all a-glimmer, and noon a purple glow,
And evening full of the linnet’s wings.

I will arise and go now, for always night and day
I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore;
While I stand on the roadway, or on the pavements gray,
I hear it in the deep heart’s core.

just as much exultation…

IMG_2729

“One can get just as much exultation on losing oneself in a little thing as in a big thing. It is nice to think how one can be recklessly lost in a daisy [or, in any other pretty flower].”

~Anne Morrow Lindbergh

This quote is driving some of my goals and plans for the next few months. While there are some grand adventures that lie ahead (so grand, I feel as though I found a magic genie-bottle and am happily frittering away my wishes–there will be planes and trains and oceans to cross), I also want to remember small pleasures. Such as …the wind from the sea in my eyes, reading a novel while lying on a blanket in a park, the taste of honeysuckle dew, repeating some lines of alliterative poetry, and waking up from a good night’s sleep…

forty

In years past, I’ve had some momentous birthday celebrations. I’ll certainly never forget my 38th, and my 39th went well, too. However as my birthday approached this year, I found I just wasn’t up for a fundraising campaign. Such efforts take a lot of work, and…there are so many other things taking my mental energy already. I didn’t even know if I wanted to have a party at all this year, or just spend time with the people that I’m closest to–or perhaps even alone.

However, at the last minute I sent out an invite to some friends and suggested that they gather for a casual evening at chez Remy to celebrate along with me. And I think the evening turned out to be just the right way to mark my 40 years. Friends tell me that I was giggling so hard at moments that my lips were turning blue (I suspect that this was actually a bit of blue frosting off of some cupcakes, but either way….such fun).  There were big hugs and and tasty food and plenty of animated conversation.   That friends traveled from near and far to join me, means more than I can say.

I didn’t take any pictures–I wanted to be fully present and not behind the lens. But a friend managed to snap one pic of me, and I’m grateful for the way it shows my uninhibited joy. Forty years is a long time to be spinning on this planet, and all forty have them have been wonderful. I can’t wait to see what the next few birthdays will bring my way!

The Rules & My Rules

Some of my single friends and I recently discussed The Rules, a handbook for dating based on traditional gender roles. I don’t want to give that book too much airtime here, because I think it’s hooey. However, you’re welcome to follow the link if you’re curious what The Rules are. So I decided to make my own list of Rules, and this is what I came up with so far (although I will admit that I’ve not followed any of these very rigidly…):

Don’t talk about dates on Twitter (or on your blog)
Do add your date as a Facebook friend
Don’t add date pics to Facebook (unless it’s a group date or a special occasion)
Do google your date before you meetup
First dates are over coffee
Second dates are lunch
Third dates are dinner
Don’t go to movies on dates
Pay for your half of the tab and expect your date to do the same
Do bring up a feminist topic on the first date to judge your date’s reaction
Don’t date anyone who doesn’t read books
Don’t date anyone who doesn’t cook
If a good date, follow-up with a friendly email or text message
Don’t talk about exes on dates
Do have fun and be yourself (don’t pretend to be someone you’re not)
Don’t date anyone who only talks about themselves
Don’t go rock climbing with someone who’s never been before