Category Archives: deep thoughts

Lucky

We’ll have three Friday the 13ths this year. I’ve never found them to be particularly unlucky days (how ’bout you?). John started a twitter thread to record 13 Lucky Things for today and I’m playing along. Here are my tweets:

Lucky Friday #1: found fav cashmere sweater immediately upon opening drawer in sleepy fog of awaking and realizing ‘must-now-drive-carpool’

Lucky Friday #2: Flan. In fridge. And I have a spoon.

Lucky Friday #3: calendar page: empty. (though ‘to-do’ list is plenty long)

Lucky Friday #4: New silver hoop earrings, tinkling lightly as I walk

Lucky Friday #5: Three gigantic farm-fresh tomatoes broiled in the oven. And I have a fork.

Lucky Friday #6: My podcast intro song, “I Fell Off My Name,” randomly playing on my iPod mix while I’m exercising

Lucky Friday #7 & 8: Rain outside while I’m cozy inside. Wearing socks handknit by Mom.

Lucky Friday #9: some fav lyrics–“Oh hold me like a baby that will not fall asleep.Curl me up inside you and let me hear you feel the heat”

Lucky Friday #10: Finishing up with book that’s been recalled by the univ library. Will put me in good graces with ILL again.

Lucky Friday #11: Finished reading _Oryx & Crake_ last night so I get to start a new novel tonite. Which one will it be?

Lucky Friday #12: cornbread w/bean stew for dinner. Daughter asks “is there anything that doesn’t taste better with cornbread?”

getting it done

jade plant flower
Yesterday I set aside the whole day to attack a pile of papers that needed to be “dealt with” as well as catching up on other tasks that were looming. It was not fun, but afterwards I felt like I’d really accomplished something (and the pile is gone–hooray!). Today I have been doing more of the same and it feels fantastic.

The weight of unfinished tasks is too heavy a load to carry for very long…

creature of habit

xmas
Back in 1990 or so I wore this dress when I was a bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding. I liked the dress and thought the fit was flattering. I’ve also always been a sucker for plaid taffeta (my fav dress as a young girl was red plaid taffeta).

Well this pic was taken in 2000, when I was still wearing this dress at least once/yr. Recently I put together some FaceBook pics of numerous formal dates on which I wore this same dress. I was pretty surprised–I hadn’t realized just how much I’d liked it until I thumbed through all those old pictures!
With Ryan
With Todd
With Aaron
At Steph’s wedding

So now I wonder how weird it is that I’ve worn this same dress for so many events? I tend to have a fairly small wardrobe of clothes that I really love. I’m not the kind of gal that gets a new dress for every occasion.

How about you? Do you have some favorite clothes that you’ve worn repeatedly through the years?

in the commons

I’m a fan of Creative Commons. I share my photos, my web content and my podcasts with CC licensing, which means that you’re free to use my stuff, but you’ve got to give me credit if you do so. Sure I know that people ‘steal’ my pics sometimes–it happens most often with pics of me that are reposted by these folks (which, btw, I find fairly disturbing but I try not to think about it too often).

Recently I discovered that a picture of me was lifted from John’s flickr feed and was used to illustrate a misogynistic blog article. I learned this because a friend had seen the article and recognized me in the photo. This made me feel incredibly uncomfortable–primarily because I felt that my picture being affiliated with the post implied that I had endorsed the writing or was somehow involved with it (FWIW, because the article detailed the sexual exploits of the author, I felt it was possible some people might assume that I’d had a relationship with him). Now in this case the blog author didn’t use appropriate CC attribution, so I dropped a comment on his post suggesting that he review the rules for the Commons and also made it clear that I had no connection to the author’s words despite my image being on display. Within 48 hours my pic was gone, replaced by that of another nameless woman.

I tend to assume when I license something for Creative Commons, that my generosity will be mirrored with responsibility on the part of those who use my work. Surely I am naive. And there’s little that I can do when my images are connected with content that’s antithetical to my values, especially if the user has followed the rules of the Commons by giving appropriate attribution (which, in some cases might be even more discomfiting than if the image was used anonymously because my flickr identity links directly to my various websites).

I’m not going to stop sharing via Creative Commons and if anything I think I’ve got a bit thicker skin now–so when this happens again (and I’m just assuming it will) I won’t take it so personally. However, I’d like to know if any of you are wary of the Commons or have been burned by the unattributed use of your work? Many of my friends add a copyright watermark to their photos to discourage theft, and while I’ve considered this, I figured it not worth the time investment on my part. Perhaps I should reconsider?

just so you know

–those blue streaks in my hair…well, I most certainly did not violate my resolve to not dye my hair.

–so my dissertation adviser now eavesdrops on my blog. How’s a person supposed to blog guilt-free when she knows that there’s research and writing to be done?

–I swam an easy 1000m at lunch today, trying to keep cool in the nearly-90 degree heat. When I came home I looked rather longingly at the pile of sweaters from my trip that I’ll probably never wear here in SoCal.

–had the heebie-jeebies last night after reading the “finding the murdered body” scene in this book. Ghastly, creepy stuff, that. Ugh.

–have been thinking about my costume for this upcoming event when it dawned on me that I already have an Edwardian-era dress–that white one I wore on a rather important occasion 16 years ago. Do you want to take bets on whether it still fits? And I wonder, for events such as this one if being period-correct is really that important, or is it just an excuse to wear a corset and garter belt?

–my mailbox has been chock-full of this kind of porn lately–what about yours?

PS: the blue streaks match the color of the new blue wall in my bedroom…

because there is no recession for a sick kid…


I’m sure you’ve all heard of St. Jude’s Hospital, the world-class medical facility that never turns away a child because they can’t pay for healthcare. My biochemist brother David is a researcher at St. Jude’s–his lab has a robot that tests thousands of chemical samples for possible therapeutic properties.

Recently he called my attention to this video clip of a teen with osteosarcoma (scroll down and click on the link from the Nov 25 show), the same type of bone cancer that I had at age 12. I know it’s a busy season and the economy is awful this year, but if you’re blessed with any surplus to share, St. Jude’s is a worthy cause. Though I wasn’t treated at their facility, they are one of the sponsors of a long-term cancer survivor study that has been invaluable in giving me information about the health issues that I will continue to face because of my high-dose chemotherapy treatments (with their life-altering side-effects).

Pic above is of me back in 1984 when I was undergoing my cancer treatments.

simply overwhelmed

I just wanted to add one note even though I already blogged today…

One of the gifts of this crazy internet world has been the many beautiful people that I would never have known otherwise. I don’t dare make any kind of list recounting the various interactions (it would take days and I’m sure I would forgot so many!). But for right now I’m just feeling awed by the sweetness of some recent encounters.

As I sit here I am wearing a necklace gifted to me by G, who spent much of the last weekend with us. As I make arrangements for our winter trip, I am simply overwhelmed by offers of places to stay as we travel, those who have offered to loan winter clothing, and those who I will finally get to meet in-person.

Thank you just doesn’t stretch far enough to cover all of this goodness. 🙂

avoidance

I realized something about myself recently. When I’m hurt by someone or something I tend to go into avoidance mode. As an example, one time someone humiliated me while we were playing charades. I haven’t been able to do a charade since then (although I will support others who want to play) and for many years I lost interest in party games of any kind. The same thing goes for an incident with some photos that someone took that really hurt my feelings. It took about five years for me to pick up a camera after that and I still have some resistance to taking pictures of people for that same reason.

My inability to participate in Mormon services is certainly part of wanting to avoid situations that cause hurt. I feel a bit like a lab rat running in a maze who once I’ve been shocked a few times in a particular lane, learns not to return there again.

I don’t think this is an entirely healthy safety mechanism. I think I need to learn better how to face the things that have caused hurt. I can’t always just run the other way.

that v-word


blue flower, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

The last few months have been really kick-ass cool and productive for me. I’ve made lots of progress on my dissertation research, I’ve spent some super high-quality time with friends, I’ve approached many adventures with a new-found sense of confidence. And most of all, I have been healthy!

So it’s rather odd to me that when I returned home this afternoon I felt a bit off…as if there is a small fissure in the bright aura that surrounds me. As I sat here trying to pinpoint that feeling, I think it’s the return of vulnerability. Since I’ve been healing from my surgery and getting stronger I’ve thought I could take on the world (and I have, in so many ways). But now I’m coming down a bit off that “high” and as real life resumes, it’s as if I am starting to feel things more deeply again. By nature I am a contemplative person, and I feel the sorrows of the world almost too potently sometimes. And in this moment, as vulnerability settles in on my shoulder, I’m realizing that for months I’ve been in the mode of doing “what has to be done” and maybe now I’m ready for a some gentleness. To allow myself to cry and to need. And to realize that I don’t always have to be so strong.

go confidently


pale pink rose, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.

~Henry David Thoreau

Life can be so complex, so maniacally wearying. Every once in awhile it’s such a joy to step back from the maddening crowd for awhile and pursue one’s dreams and imaginings.

As I type this my heart is full of gratitude. For friends, for family, for this beautiful quiet late-night moment that I’m curled up on my couch with a silky kitty at my side, contemplating Thoreau. Remembering the first time I read his words, more than 20 years ago, and knew that they were true.