My friend Chris Bigelow and some of his buddies published an LDS humor column, “The Sugar Beet” (like The Onion for Mormons) for several years and have combined the best of their work into The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer.
I’ve reprinted a bit of one of their funnier articles here, some positions from the Mormon Kama Sutra:
Retention and Reactivation
The Stripling Warrior
Urim and Thummim
The PPI
Hold to the Rod
The Secret Combination
Come, Thou Font of Every Blessing
Hie to Kolob
The Rameumptom
To this list I would add:
The Bishop’s Daughter
The RM
So I’ve been trying to come up with some similarly funny positions using Quaker terminology and I haven’t come up with much–perhaps I don’t know the lingo well enough yet. Perhaps ya’ll can chime in with some of your own ideas?
Oh yeah, my initial response to your blog should *totally* be a list of made-up Quaker sex positions. That’s a great introduction. But the temptation was too great, and I couldn’t resist the opportunity to heinously abuse some online Quaker glossaries. Here goes:
Hold In The Light
Facing Benches
Leadings of the Spirit
Inner Light
Programmed Meeting
Lay Down (too obvious)
That of God in All of Us
And, my personal favorite:
Proceed as Way Opens
Wow, David, very impressive list for such a new Friend. 🙂
I especially giggled at Facing Benches. teehee!
Oh man, why do I drink milk when I’m reading your blog and comments?!
JohnWhite: I am really annoyed that you haven’t added to this list (being the resident expert on Quaker terminology)…
Man, that’s one of my very most favorite pieces we ever did too! I think we need a list from many faith traditions. I would love to see a Catholic and Jewish Kama Sutra too…
(This is Chris Bigelow, not Ann–I didn’t realize I was logged on under my wife’s ID.)
Mutual Activities
The Y
The Restoration
Really? I’m the expert? Sad state of affairs here.
Moved by the Spirit
Expectant Waiting
Vocal Ministry
Faith and Practice
Come to Unity
Meeting for Business
Ok, ok. Back to homework.
Some more Mormon sex positions:
How Firm a Foundation
The Missionary position (of course)
The Triple Combination
The Quadruple Combination (must be very flexible to pull this off — not recommended for beginners/newlyweds)
The Peepstone (for voyeurs)
The Greenie (kind of a Mrs. Robinson thing) (Note: “greenie” is Mormon slang for a new missionary)
The Mia Maid
The Isabel (role playing the world’s oldest profession) (Note: Isabel was an infamous Book of Mormon harlot)
Matt – that was great. Even better than the originals, I think. I struggled to come up with my three….it appears you are very creative in this particular area! 🙂
Some more Mormon Kama Sutra, from Bruce R. McConkie’s Mormon Doctrine:
Lawful Heirs According to the Flesh
Ministering Spirits
Moroni’s Promise
Mountain of the Lord’s House
One Eternal Round
Patriarchal Blessings
Pearly Gates
Primary Association
Raising the Dead
Relief Society
Stick of Joseph
Omigosh! You are all so freakin’ funny. I am alternately groaning and giggling and blushing at this irreverent list!
I’ve been thinking about the connections between sex & religious experience and it seems to me that there’s some deep reason that the verbiage and metaphor have so much crossover.
What do you think? Do we all just have our minds in the gutter, or is there some larger similarity between religion and sex and the language we use to describe each of them?
Sheesh. And nobody has yet mentioned the laying on of hands . . . or the gift of tongues . . . or “Because I have been given much, I too must give” . . .
Well, I’m off to sing another verse or two of “Come, Come, Ye Saints.”
Jana,
A link between sex and religion? Nah – it couldn’t be. Why, if there were a link, people would probably use language like “the passion” to describe them both.
Now tell me, would you like your triple combination bound in black leather, or not? 😛
Matt T., I’m totally impressed with your contributions. I’ve been laughing now for a good minute! lol.
Does the Mormon Kama Sutra recommend being endowed?
*slaps head*
More Quaker jargon:
The Rise of Meeting