About four hours in to each of my long outrigger races, the shakes begin.  I’m cold, but bundling up for warmth does almost nothing to reduce the jitters.  It’s that point where my body says ‘no more.’  It wants me to stop.  And it takes everything to keep going…

When I was traveling around Boston and visiting with friends that I hadn’t seen for a year, a few mentioned that I’d changed.  Getting a full-time job seems to have altered me at a metabolic level–I am not only thinking about work most of the time (and rather tied at the hip to my computer just in case something goes terribly awry), but I’m also far less to prone to just relaxing.  My major realization from the Exponent retreat was that I need to make sure to keep space in my life for the things that calm me.  Like friends and nephews and picture books and long walks and wading.  One symbol of the way I “let go” over the weekend was that when my Prezi for my talk didn’t materialize (due to being saved on the Internet and I didn’t have any ‘net access at the camp), I let it go and I didn’t beat myself up about it…

But let me back up a bit, back to the shakes…  I don’t think I mentioned here that I accomplished the Catalina crossing once again. We had a wicked south-pulling current and it was a longer-than-long race–my GPS marked 37.7miles, and 6.5 hours of paddling.  I steered two long pieces, and afterwards my forearms were so sore from trying to hold the paddle in place against the waves, that they kept rapidly cramping and contracting–resulting in my fingers twisting into strange claw-like shapes.  When I got off the boat after the finish line, John was snapping photos.  Later, he said he wasn’t going to show me the pics because they were so unflattering—I can only imagine how tired I must have looked.  It’s one of those accomplishments that doesn’t feel good until a few days later, when the body has had time for some repair work…

So as I’ve finished the team outrigger season and now have some more space in my life, I’m considering where I’ll look next for my exercise and my fun.  I feel as though I need a bit less of the long-haul endurance work–both at work and at play.  I want to continue to develop my strength, but I also want to just “be.”  I need to remember what that feels like.  Again.