let me count the ways…

mornings, with coffee

Many people have asked me whether I’ll return to the Mormon church now that John isn’t in my life (this probably stems from the assumption made by many people that I only left the church to please John–which is wrong on so many counts, including the one where he recently blamed me for pushing our family out of the church too quickly when I was finally done with it)…

So this morning (a typical morning) I thought it would be an interesting exercise to count all of the ways I violated Mormon commandments before I even got into the office.  Because I don’t live a Mormon lifestyle or even make any pretense of doing so:

1) I awoke wearing a tank top and short-shorts, and proceeded to bare my shoulders and thighs all morning long to anyone who happened to be looking through my windows.

2) At various times I entertained  four five fifteen several lewd thoughts.

3) As per my morning ritual, I brewed myself some coffee and drank two cups full, while basking in the sunshine on my living room rug (in immodest clothing, see #1) and doing yoga.

4) When I got dressed for work I put on a bra (next to my skin), underpants, and a sleeveless shirt (see #1), in addition to pants, socks and shoes.

5) I got a favorite bottle of wine out of the cupboard and licked it. (since I don’t drink in the mornings. Sheesh–just how depraved to think I am?).

6) Upon receiving a humorous text message from a friend, I burst out into laughter.

7) After my shower, I rubbed some lotion on to my new tattoo.

8) Although I abstained from drinking any morning tea, I did throw a new box of black tea into my purse to take to work for drinking later in the day.

9) While driving through some heinous traffic, I sang along to a song on the radio that had the dirty words omitted, but I sang them out loud anyways.

18 thoughts on “let me count the ways…”

  1. Melissa

    I never thought you’d go back, if only because I can’t imagine you hiding your disdain for the gender restrictions for very long! 🙂

    1. janaremy Post author

      It came to me all the way from Bulgaria via CatBonny. She’s really nice–I’d bet she’d get one for you, too, Mel. 🙂

  4. catBonny

    I agree about the non-linkage to your new ink.

    Any my, what a beautiful cup you drank your coffee from?

  5. aubrey

    i’m currently coveting thy neig…er…coffee cup. and congrats on the ink! i remember that when i got mine, it was – for whatever reason – a really liberating experience.

  6. Megan

    Oh dear, oh dear. The rest, maybe, with time (and some SERIOUS priesthood intervention – probably monthly bishop meetings) you could repent from, but LOUD LAUGHTER??

    Just tell me you didn’t do it in a great and spacious building.

  7. janaremy Post author

    Megan:

    I know. The loud laughter covenant gets me every time. Unfortunately I’m addicted to loud laughter and should probably seek a 12-step to remedy this, shouldn’t I?

  8. Melanie

    For some reason, whenever missionaries or visiting teachers drop by my house, I’m never home, but my gay roommate is. I like thinking that my uninvited visitors feel scandalized when a hot man (with a tendency to walk around shirtless, no less) that I’m not married to opens the door. He’s a good spot.

    I like to do work at the coffee shop- I get to break the Word of Wisdom AND be wasteful with the money I’m not tithing.

    1. Jana

      The part about John? He sent me a very long list of all the ways I’d ruined his life just before he left me. Surreal isn’t exactly the word I’ve used to describe that list.

  11. rockelle dixon

    Jana,
    I love you…but why do you have to keep going on about the church that you were raised in.
    Why cant you just leave it alone.
    I can imagine your hurting the feelings of many of your family who just want to love you.
    Its not just you but I wonder the same thing about other people from other religions too who once they have left the church ….it apparently is all they can talk about.

  12. Jana

    Rockelle:

    I keep going on about the church I was raised in because I was raised in it. It’s my experience and my church just as much as it is anyone’s who still goes there every week. It influenced me in countless ways and I have to continue to grapple with that–especially because of the people in my life who want me to still be Mormon.

    I wrote this post because I wanted to make it clear to everyone just how ‘not-Mormon’ I am in my everyday practices. Yes, it was written a bit tongue-in-cheek, but I find that humor is a helpful way to deal with awkward situations (especially those in which ward members are reaching out to me with the intent to “bring me back” to church. Did this post hurt my family? I don’t know, none of them said anything to me about it. But it wasn’t written with the intent to cause pain, it was written with the intent of explaining where I am on my journey right now.

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