I’ve talked about my rodent-phobia a few times before on this blog, but for those new here, I’ll just summarize: it’s ugly. Rodents give me panic-attacks. The first time my ex heard me encounter a possum on a dark night, he thought I was being raped because of my screams for help.
I know, I know. It’s a stupid, cliche fear. I’m way bigger than them and they don’t want to see me any more than I want to see them (except for that one possum–the one who decided that even a bruising with a broom wouldn’t budge him)…
But really the rodent-phobia is not about rodents. It’s about the unknown. It’s about something that can live close by and be there even when I don’t know it. It’s about the ability for something to cross my path when I’m not expecting it.
It’s about my vulnerability.
I wasn’t always afraid of rats, and near as I can tell, the fear emerged about mid-way through high school. Right at the same time that I had some fear-producing encounters with men of not-so-good intentions. I knew I couldn’t run away from them. I knew I wasn’t strong enough to fight them. I knew there was no one who could be there all the time to ensure my safety. In short, my fear of small beasties became symbolic of my own inability to protect myself from danger–usually danger in dark or unknown places. About that same time I stopped watching suspense and horror movies, too. I couldn’t tolerate that feeling that something was about to jump out at me from around the corner, from under my bed, from the darkness not lit be streetlamps.
Why I became afraid of rats specifically, I’m not sure. But perhaps it was a kind of mental shorthand for my inability to say that I was afraid of knowing that I couldn’t run or scream or defend myself. Somehow rodent-phobia became mapped to that part of my brain…
On a somewhat related note: on my iPad right now is a book called The Butcher and the Vegetarian (delightful book–I highly recommend it!). The author draws a strong connection between her desire to eat meat and her desire to acquire a kind of masculine power:
Eating meat might be the most normal thing in the world to other people, but to me it feels indulgent, forbidden, deviant…Not only that, meat is total guy food. I’d be lying if I told you that isn’t part of the appeal. Meat comes with a boys’ club atmosphere of testosterone and machismo.
Undoubtedly my turn to eating meat (after more than a decade of vegetarianism) this past year is tied to my desire to become more ‘manly’–the original motivation came from a bodybuilding regimen. I was ready to build some not-so-ladylike muscle. But also comes from a desire to be more strong and courageous through the divorce proceedings. During that time I craved meat, especially beef, constantly–not only did it make me feel satisfied and full far longer than a salad, it made me feel assertive and powerful.
Once, while I was in the midst of living in Pasadena (where I’d moved temporarily while my ex was cleaning his stuff out of our shared apartment) I encountered a mouse one late evening. It’s a long story, and wasn’t pretty. The kids were with me and had to nurse me through a long night of tears and my heart racing so hard I couldn’t breathe well. Although I was terrified of the mouse, it was also probably also the only time that I truly let myself physically express the terror of what was happening to my life. I was so afraid (of rodents and men and love and the future). I felt vulnerable in ways that I never had before. I was panicking about more than a mouse. I was panicking about my life.
So, now, I’m having to face that down again. The day before I was slated to move into my new home, an inspection turned up some rat feces. Perhaps old ones, but it was inconclusive. My insecurities welled up all over the place. Mostly, because I’ve never moved to a new place on my own and I’m carrying a boxload of concerns related to this change. So in some ways, I’m not at all surprised by the rats–it seems like a kind of cosmic justice meted out to force me to face my own vulnerability. Because it’s quite possible that I will encounter one of these creatures when I’m home alone on a night very soon. And it will be just me and just that rodent–there will be no spouse or child or friend to put their arms around me and tell me that I’m going to be okay. And I’m steeling myself for that possibility, for what it’s like to hear those scratches and bumps and creaks in the night and I wonder if they mean a rodent is nearby.
That, and I’m having steak for dinner again tonight, methinks….
Jana,
You’re so poetic! I remember very clearly possums running through our backyard in Garden Grove when my girls were little. We were all terrified with them! Plus, possums are so stubborn and mean!
Patty
A friend may not be there physically to put arms around you when you have that night (or, if you’re like me, those nights). But you have one here in London who knows you are up to it, and whose virtual arms and heart are with you always.
Lovely post by the way. Wish my writing were near on par.
xo!
M
Wow, this really resonated with me. Thanks for putting my thoughts into words. Maybe picturing yourself as a huge lion ready to get those gnawing, pesky little things might help. You have my thoughts with you through your scary time.
I’m not scared of any animals, but I do understand irrational phobias – although to be honest, mine is slightly rational in that deep water can quite easily kill! I got dragged down in a swimming pool for over 2mins by someone ‘having a laugh’ when I was 12, suffered a massive asthma attack after being in that state of panic, and was rushed into hospital with a defibrillator where I stayed for 2 weeks. Awful. I could swim perfectly well, but afterward – well, water gets near my neck and I feel my brain freaking out. I had to swim with a dolphin in Florida to MAKE myself feel like water could be a good thing. I’m 32 and I still don’t feel comfortable, but that dolphin helped me connect with a part of the water that had otherwise frightened me to distress.
Ironic that the best form of exercise for asthmatics is swimming, huh? 😉
Perhaps if you could find out more about rodents and their habits and nature, identify with them as another of Earth’s living creatures you may not be so scared? See them as another living, breathing animal that’s just as scared of you (can you imagine what the sight of a screaming human looks like to them? LOL)
I know this probably sounds trite, as I have such a close bond with animals and it sounds easy to me, so apologies if it’s daft 🙂
Leanne:
I can rationally do this with rodents, but in the heat of the moment my phobia usually takes over my rational brain.But I do think that it’s gotten a bit better over time, especially as I’ve spent more time in my garden (where rodents are endemic).
I’ve got the prescription for you, the ultimate bringing together of these two streams of thought in this post: rat shishkabobs.
I’m terrified of birds, I don’t like large beetles, and rodents give me the heebies. And yes, I’d love for someone else to take care of these things for me. But now that I’m the only adult around here…well, I just ….do it. Although my only true phobia is birds….panic attack city the one and only time one got into the house. I cowered under the bathroom sink for HOURS.
Melissa:
I can’t tell you how relieved I am to know that I’m not the only one who has attacks like that (although birds and beetles and spiders don’t bother me much)…
I missed your reply…spiders? Love ’em…they eat bugs. And I am thinking about getting some praying mantis ‘balls’ for the yard next year, to help with the red ant population. But when I live with palo verde beetles (http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_62t9j3mTENE/SIESMzRf9AI/AAAAAAAAAg0/KrZQEIshxjo/s400/paloverde2.jpg) and desert centipedes (http://shimmyshewobble.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/giant_centipede.jpg) then, well…you get a little creeped out.
Just catching up with you Jana, after a hard drive crash (still trying to restore all of my favorites). Had to comment on this post, even though it’s a few weeks old. I have lots of phobias – too many to count (insects in general, spiders, heights, flying, spiders, falling, becoming homeless/destitute, spiders, etc. The medication that I take for my dpression does lessen the anxiety somewhat, but they’re still there.)
I also have pet rats. Currently I have 3, and over the last few years, a total of 19. If you really want to face your fear (and hats off to you, since I have no intention of facing my spider issues), I suggest that you meet a pet rat. Believe me when I tell you that they are just like dogs: smart, curious, affectionate. Many are quite shy (I’ve had several shy ratties) and would run for the hills if you screamed at them. Really, they are just lovely. Not that I suggest getting close to a WILD rat, but I wouldn’t suggest that you get close to a wild dog either.
Best of luck in your new home. 🙂
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