Author Archives: janaremy@gmail.com

sacrament

In my recent post about visiting the LDS church last weekend, I mentioned that I found the LDS sacrament rite to be quite difficult, even long before I left the church. On that entry, a friend left the following comment:
So I thought I would briefly address her question…

In the LDS church, the sacrament is administered every week by members of the lower LDS priesthood.  Typically the bread and water are blessed by 16 year old boys and the trays of bread and water are passed to congregants by 12 and 13 year-old boys.  I’m not particularly fond of the gendered pattern that this follows.  I can’s see any logical reason why a girl could not bless and pass the sacrament, too.  So that kind of rubs me the wrong way.

But that’s not my primary discomfort with the ordinance.  That comes from it symbolizing the blood and body of Jesus Christ, and for the promises contained in the sacramental prayer:

O God, the Eternal Father, we ask thee in the name of thy Son, Jesus Christ, to bless and sanctify this bread to the souls of all those who partake of it; that they may eat in remembrance of the body of thy Son, and witness unto thee, O God, the Eternal Father, that they are willing to take upon them the name of thy Son, and always remember him, and keep his commandments which he hath given them, that they may always have his Spirit to be with them. Amen

This ordinance is all about atonement of Jesus Christ–a concept that I find repulsive. I don’t like that the violent killing of a human being was supposedly conducted on my behalf. Even if I could accept the idea that Jesus was a willing victim in this arrangement, I reject the logic of a worldview where a murder is the foundation for personal sanctification. Everything in my heart and in my soul tells me that this is wrong. I could easily use stronger language to describe my repulsion to this concept, but I don’t want to completely alienate those of my readers and friends who hold this view.

So the first part of my LDS faith that I lost, was when I realized that I couldn’t accept the literal or figurative sacrifice of Jesus.  That happened several years before the rest of it unraveled.  And as a result, I avoided taking the sacrament whenever I could because it was discomfiting for me to participate in a ritual that reified such a violent act.

dependence

the living room
I was chatting with CatGirl the other day when the subject of dependence came up.  I took the opportunity to explain to her what the consequences were of the choices I made to marry young and start a family at age 21.  That it meant that over a decade ago, when it became obvious that my spouse was not as trustworthy as he had seemed, that I was stuck.  At that time I spent all day caring for my two young children.  He took our only car to work everyday and our neighborhood wasn’t well-served by local bus routes.  Which meant not only was I confined within the walls of our home nearly every hour of the day, but I was also ‘stuck’ in a larger sense.  I’d never held a full-time job and my bachelor’s degree wasn’t in a marketable field.  Even in college when I’d applied for crappy part-time jobs I’d usually been turned down because of my disability (this was back in the day when they could tell you to your face that “We think you just aren’t physically capable of this job”–which meant that somehow my artificial leg would prevent me from answering phones for an office?).  And as a cancer survivor, I was also insurance-dependent, knowing that the only means I had for acquiring my expensive prosthetic limbs was via my spouse’s policy.  The fear of losing my mobility loomed large.

What I didn’t explain to her then, but will someday, is what followed.  After celebrating my 30th birthday I started wearing black all of the time because I felt frumpy and old.  Soon, I stopped eating, and then I spent most of the day staring listlessly into space while sitting on the back porch, or curled in a ball leaning against the washing machine and feeling its comforting hum.  I thought too often about matches and knives and wanting my life to be over.  My chronic bronchitis developed into chronic laryngitis.  I whispered and wheezed.  And over time I grew smaller and smaller and smaller…

So I told my daughter that I would always support and respect her choices for the future, but I hoped that she would never-ever-ever put herself in a position where she was as dependent as I was.  Because everyone deserves mobility and opportunity for employment–even spouses who choose to stay at home and care for their children.

She was listening carefully as I spoke, and she agreed.

guilty pleasures…

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One of my favorite guilty pleasures is perusing the poetry and interviews in The Paris Review.  I don’t remember how or why I began reading it, but once I did I was hooked.  Recently I was going through some poetry in the online archives and came across this interview with writer Shirley Hazzard.  I especially enjoy what she says about poetry:

Poetry has been the longest pleasure of my life. It literally and figuratively saved my life, and enabled me to live inwardly. I do not know how people manage without it…

Vladimir Nabokov told his American students that they must saturate themselves in the poetry of their language, poetry in English, in order to develop the ear. This seems to me the most valuable advice one could give to readers or writers. Of course, he did not mean that this should be done with a “purpose” in mind, as if to exploit the power and beauty of great art. Accessibility to expressive language will not come that way. It is an act of love, with implicit humility, and must develop itself. So much of this is intuitive, and intuition itself must be developed from an early age if it is not to languish. Our era of interpretations and explanations and the piling up of convoluted lingo in the academic world–the self-gratification of many a “close reading,” the psycho-sociological overlaying and, often, undermining that commentators apply to works of genius–has been inimical to the nurturing of intuitive affinity and understanding. Much of that arises, I think, from a modern fear of immediacy and of the loss of the illusion of control. Housman’s reference to the hairs rising at the back of one’s neck as one reads a poem remains a test of quality. Such response is individual and cannot merely be generalized, dismantled, controlled.

I love that feeling of “the hairs rising at the back of one’s neck” from poetry.  I know that sensation all too well.  And it’s what keeps me coming back for more.

This is the Place (or, my return to the LDS church)

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This weekend I attended the LDS church while on a visit to Utah. It was my first time attending a Sacrament Meeting in well over five years. It was my first time taking the sacrament (communion) in much longer than that (because even long before I stopped attending the Mormon church, I couldn’t stomach the symbols of that ordinance). It wasn’t an earth-shaking experience in any way. In fact, it was just the opposite. The hymns were familiar and I sang them with some gusto (much to the chagrin of my seatmates, I’m sure–I do not have a pretty voice). Shaking the Bishop’s hand and meeting the local saints was endearing. I felt no friction in any of those experiences.

That said, I have no intention of returning to activity in the LDS church. But it was nice to know that I could attend and it could be a benign, rather than a frustrating experience. Perhaps that means that I am finally healing from the wounds incurred by my natal faith, and am comfortable with where I’m at now in my life.

she’s got legs…

A few months ago I was reconsidering my legs.  For a few years I’d gone ‘robotic’–letting my prosthetic leg show rather than wearing a cosmetic covering over it to make it have the same contours as an organic leg.  It was an empowering experience, but also hard sometimes.   I don’t mind being stared at–I’m used to it now, after having had that happen for nearly 30 years.  I don’t mind discussing my disability–I’m used to that, too.  But I do mind when that tends to eclipse everything else that is important and interesting about me.  So I started feeling like it was time for a change (that, and I started wearing knee-high boots, which looked REALLY WEIRD with one skinny leg and one normal-sized one).

As a temporary measure, I put some old cosmesis on my leg to see how it felt and looked.  I showed my kids and their jaws sort of dropped.  They were so used to a Mom with asymmetry–they didn’t seem to like it much.  I mentioned it to some friends, who were supportive, but not really opinionated one way or another about which looked better.  And after a few weeks of using that old cosmesis (which wasn’t actually fitted to this prosthetic leg so it didn’t look quite right around the ankle or knee), I submitted the insurance paperwork to get some nice cosmesis made for this leg.  And, months later, it was approved and I got my new skin about a week ago.

At this point, I’m still not sure which look I prefer.  I see positives and negatives to both.  But I like that I now feel comfortable wearing my leg either way–I experience no shame in showing my robotic innards, and I also enjoy ‘passing’ as a biped and having my tights and boots and slacks hang symmetrically on my lower body.  Perhaps what’s most important is knowing that either works fine for me, and I can change my mind about my ‘look’ at any time without feeling the need to justify or explain it to anyone.

(Pic to the left is me last Halloween with stripey tights and a tutu.  Pic to the right is me today at work (with my skirt hiked up a bit to show the vintage-lace edge of the slip that I’m wearing underneath my sundress)

 

and it seemed at once they’d fallen in love…

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I came upon these white peonies at the market yesterday, their heads nearly as big as my own and their fragrance so potent. They found their way into my basket and into my living room (and into my viewfinder)…The poem below is a favorite from a dear friend, one that I’ve had pinned on the bulletin board in my kitchen for quite a long time.

Peonies

Heart transplants my friend handed me:

four of her own peony bushes

in their fall disguise, the arteries

of truncated, dead wood protruding

from clumps of soil fine-veined with worms.

“Better get them in before the frost.”

And so I did, forgetting them

until their June explosion when

it seemed at once they’d fallen in love,

had grown two dozen pink hearts each.

Extravagance, exaggeration,

each one girl on her first date,

excess perfume, her dress too ruffled,

the words he spoke to her too sweet–

but he was young; he meant it all.

And when they could not bear the pretty

weight of so much heart, I snipped

their dew-sopped blooms; stuffed them in vases

in every room like tissue boxes

already teary with self-pity.

~Mary Jo Salter

friends

This entry is scheduled to post on my blog while I’m at lunch with two friends who have happy plans ahead that will take them away from southern California.  Two friends who I might not see for a very long time.  I’m feeling a bit emotional about it right now…

These are the friends who stepped in last summer to care for TobyJoy-kitty as her health declined.  I was alone and at my wit’s end and so so tired.  Their gift was such a huge one.  Here’s a reprint of the post that I wrote after that event (and for those who are interested in more of the TobyJoy saga, the post I wrote just after she died).


Lake District by train, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

We returned home last night after an absolutely wearying day of travel. It was a day where we where often singled out of for “extra ” security checks, where we stood in lines for hours at each transfer point, where the ridiculousness of it all nearly pushed me over the edge a few times. All in all, a good sign that it was time to be home and to return to some semblance of our own daily rhythm.

Waking up this morning in my own bed and the exact time (even w/o an alarm clock) that I usually do each morning…just felt so right! Irvine’s humidity is so delicious. the familiar birds chirping outside are my birds,” and so forth.

So…

We came home to something so important I’m not even sure that I can write about it cogently (and if this doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, you can chalk it up to jetlagged delusion). Two weeks ago, just as we were preparing to leave on our trip, our beloved kitty TobyJoy had a severe neurological incident. So severe that she needed round the clock care. And as our lives were completely derailed by concern for her, we knew that we were also about to leave the country on this trip to England that was so super-important to my kids–both of whom are Anglophiles, and one whose biggest wild dream is to start boarding school in Wales next year. We were faced with this horrible catch-22 situation. TobyJoy needed to be brought to a quiet controlled environment if there was any chance of her healing, because over-stimulation was causing more seizures of the kind that initially caused her brain damage, but she was in such a state that she could hardly be cared for by anyone other than a family member. Boarding in her in a kennel simply wasn’t a good option. It was super hard for us to see Toby so ill (if you’ve never met her–it’s hard to imagine a cat with a more whimsical quirky character), and we were just aching with seeing her hooked up to tubes and so deeply drugged that she wasn’t aware of her surroundings. We wondered if it woudn’t be more humane to put her to sleep than to continue her medical trauma (and at that point it wasn’t even clear that she would ever eat or drink on her own again).

So..as all of these ideas were on the table and I was trying to make decisions, a dear friend who is studying neurology, whose research is specifically on small mammals, stepped in and offered to care for Toby so we could go to England.

She (along with her partner and some other friends), developed a round-the-clock schedule for caring for Toby once she was released from the ER. She ferried Toby to vet appointments, cleaned up after numerous toileting problems, prepared a specialized diet, and administered a dizzying amount of meds every day. All while we were traipsing the British countryside. Our friend wrote daily updates, sent videos, and worked with our vet to troubleshoot problems.

When we came home last night and met Toby, we found a kitty that’s still suffering from occasional seizures, but recognized Catgirl, held her tail high as she explored, vocalized pleasure at being around our family again, and now remembers how to use the litterbox. In short, she seems happy. Certainly a bit different than before, but happy.

As I tried (and failed) to express to our friend just how much it meant to us to have her care for Toby, she simply replied, “Your family had this summer planned where you were all out pursuing your dreams…I wanted you to be able to do that…”

Anything I try to write now, can’t even touch the goodness of that gift.

a great lover…

pale pink rose

A friend shared the poem below on my Facebook page recently, and it literally left me breathless as I read (note: I’ve made a few changes here to make it a bit more female-positive).

A few days ago I was having a thoughtful chat with another friend and it struck me how hard my life has often been–in that I’ve had to bend and alter my path because of situations beyond my control.  So many of my wishes and desires are unfulfilled.  There are so many ‘what ifs’ to my life that I simply can’t pursue because of circumstance.  But despite this, I feel as though I’ve surrendered myself to these restrictions and found even more freedom through doing so.  In large part, I think my ability to surface from a morass is because I simply love life so much, and I find huge pleasure in the smallest of things.  Perhaps that’s the result of having survived so much already, or perhaps it’s simply my nature.  I don’t know.  But it makes me feel buoyant and strong.

The Great Lover
by Rupert Brooke

I have been so great a lover: filled my days
So proudly with the splendour of Love’s praise,
The pain, the calm, and the astonishment,
Desire illimitable, and still content,
And all dear names [wo]men use, to cheat despair,

For the perplexed and viewless streams that bear
Our hearts at random down the dark of life.
Now, ere the unthinking silence on that strife
Steals down, I would cheat drowsy Death so far,
My night shall be remembered for a star

That outshone all the suns of all [wo]men’s days.
Shall I not crown them with immortal praise
Whom I have loved, who have given me, dared with me
High secrets, and in darkness knelt to see

The inenarrable god[dess]head of delight?

Love is a flame;—we have beaconed the world’s night.
A city:—and we have built it, these and I.

An emp[ress]:—we have taught the world to die.
So, for their sakes I loved, ere I go hence,
And the high cause of Love’s magnificence,
And to keep loyalties young, I’ll write those names
Golden for ever, eagles, crying flames,
And set them as a banner, that [wo]men may know,
To dare the generations, burn, and blow
Out on the wind of Time, shining and streaming….
These I have loved:
White plates and cups, clean-gleaming,
Ringed with blue lines; and feathery, faery dust;
Wet roofs, beneath the lamp-light; the strong crust
Of friendly bread; and many-tasting food;
Rainbows; and the blue bitter smoke of wood;
And radiant raindrops couching in cool flowers;
And flowers themselves, that sway through sunny hours,
Dreaming of moths that drink them under the moon;
Then, the cool kindliness of sheets, that soon
Smooth away trouble; and the rough male kiss
Of blankets; grainy wood; live hair that is
Shining and free; blue-massing clouds; the keen

Unpassioned beauty of a great machine;

The benison of hot water; furs to touch;
The good smell of old clothes; and other such—
The comfortable smell of friendly fingers,
Hair’s fragrance, and the musty reek that lingers
About dead leaves and last year’s ferns….
Dear names,
And thousand others throng to me! Royal flames;
Sweet water’s dimpling laugh from tap or spring;
Holes in the ground; and voices that do sing:
Voices in laughter, too; and body’s pain,
Soon turned to peace; and the deep-panting train;
Firm sands; the little dulling edge of foam
That browns and dwindles as the wave goes home;

And washen stones, gay for an hour; the cold

Graveness of iron; moist black earthen mould;
Sleep; and high places; footprints in the dew;
And oaks; and brown horse-chestnuts, glossy-new;
And new-peeled sticks; and shining pools on grass;—
All these have been my loves. And these shall pass.
Whatever passes not, in the great hour,
Nor all my passion, all my prayers, have power
To hold them with me through the gate of Death.
They’ll play deserter, turn with the traitor breath,
Break the high bond we made, and sell Love’s trust

And sacramented covenant to the dust.
—Oh, never a doubt but, somewhere, I shall wake,
And give what’s left of love again, and make

New friends, now strangers….
But the best I’ve known,

Stays here, and changes, breaks, grows old, is blown
About the winds of the world, and fades from brains
Of living [wo]men, and dies.
Nothing remains.

O dear my loves, O faithless, once again
This one last gift I give: that after [wo]men
Shall know, and later lovers, far-removed
Praise you, “All these were lovely”; say, “[S]he loved.”

dropping from the veils of the morning…

It’s a quiet morning, the members of my household all working in different tasks.  Working together, but separate.  There’s the sound of a neighbor’s friendly conversation that can be faintly heard through the window.  The cawing of crows outside the front of our home is not so faint.  But there are songbirds, too.  And an occasional motorcycle or loud-ish car passing.  There’s the tinkle of Ellycat’s bell as she wanders from room to room looking for a warm lap.  And the living room is full of soft morning light.

A few days ago, Catgirl asked me about my synesthesia, specifically curious about the types of sensory cross-over that I experience.  I don’t have the common variety of text-to-visual synesthesia.  Rather, I have visual-to-sound and touch-to-visual.  I explained to her that it’s why I can find it so difficult to shop in a mall or in an unfamiliar grocery store–the ‘loud’ designs of the displays create a tornado of sound in my head.  It’s hard to process so much visual-sound all at once.  It makes me want to find a dim quiet place to sit down and close my eyes. But, on the other hand, if I’m somewhere like an art museum and can take time to savor each painting, the result is far more melodic.

Lately, I’ve found that images with rich brown-grey colors are yielding such peaceful-quiet tones in my mind.  There’s something about their softness that makes me breathe a little deeper and feel more relaxed.  It’s almost beyond description, the way my mind makes sounds from images–so I don’t know if this makes any sense at all to someone who hasn’t experienced it.  It’s similar to the way I feel when I read some poetry, such as the classic “Lake Isle of Innisfree.”

Here are some of my recent favorite “quiet” photos:

[flickrslideshow acct_name=”pilgrimgirl” id=”72157626821277615″]

The Lake Isle of Innisfree
By William Butler Yeats
I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree,
And a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made;
Nine bean rows will I have there, a hive for the honeybee,
And live alone in the bee-loud glade.

And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow,
Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings;
There midnight’s all a-glimmer, and noon a purple glow,
And evening full of the linnet’s wings.

I will arise and go now, for always night and day
I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore;
While I stand on the roadway, or on the pavements gray,
I hear it in the deep heart’s core.

just as much exultation…

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“One can get just as much exultation on losing oneself in a little thing as in a big thing. It is nice to think how one can be recklessly lost in a daisy [or, in any other pretty flower].”

~Anne Morrow Lindbergh

This quote is driving some of my goals and plans for the next few months. While there are some grand adventures that lie ahead (so grand, I feel as though I found a magic genie-bottle and am happily frittering away my wishes–there will be planes and trains and oceans to cross), I also want to remember small pleasures. Such as …the wind from the sea in my eyes, reading a novel while lying on a blanket in a park, the taste of honeysuckle dew, repeating some lines of alliterative poetry, and waking up from a good night’s sleep…