Author Archives: janaremy@gmail.com

valedictorian

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I wasn’t the valedictorian of my high school. In fact, I wasn’t even close. If I remember correctly, I barely even made the top 100 out of a graduating class of about 600. But for some reason, these past few years, I’ve attempted to be the valedictorian of just about everything I do. To be the valedictorian of homemade healthy meals cooked with plenty to share with the neighbors. To be the valedictorian of the organized university administrator who can work well with my cohort and solve “big problems.” To be the valedictorian of divorce–sailing through it easily and moving on to the rest of my life. To be the valedictorian of athletic endeavor, where I work tirelessly and am a stellar team player. To be the valedictorian of leaving the Mormon church, showing that it’s possible to walk away and be a values-led person despite no longer believing in God/Jesus/magical underpants.

<sigh>

So I think for awhile, I’ll just try to be the valedictorian of cozy socks, fireplaces, and afternoon naps instead.  Something tells me that I might just be really (really really) good at all of that, too.

Picture taken on a recent beachside retreat.  Aren’t those just the cutest valedictorian-worthy socks ever?

Here I am all myself…

rosy

I Am Like a Rose

I am myself at last; now I achieve
My very self, I, with the wonder mellow,
Full of fine warmth, I issue forth in clear
And single me, perfected from my fellow.

Here I am all myself. No rose-bush heaving
Its limpid sap to culmination has brought
Itself more sheer and naked out of the green
In stark-clear roses, than I to myself am brought.

~DH Lawrence

 

Poetry is such a personal thing.  But it seems that more often than not, when friends share some stanzas of poetry with me, I find that it resonates with me at some level.  Like the passage above, sent by a friend yesterday.  It’s perfect for me and where I’m at right now…

These past few days have had me falling in love hard and fast.  With just about everything.  Some of these include

–My first few steps at learning parsel-tongue.  So I can call myself a genuine digital humanist.

–Hot waffles full of melted cheese when it’s cold and rainy outside.

–Sitting cross-legged on my fluffy carpet every morning, as I contemplate the day ahead.

–Cooking crepes (in my new Calphalon pan) and pots of soup and cinnamon rolls and fresh bread.

–Cheese sauce.

–Hamburgers (at Haven and Bruxie and Ruta’s and In-n-Out and Norm’s and the Grinder and…)  Have I mentioned that these past few months I have been craving hamburgers? Just craving.

–Making travel plans (with a flight leaving in just a few hours!).

–A friend’s offering of Girl Scout cookies, after an evening of talking, talking, talking.

–Joan Jett (she is so rocker-tough-cool).

–Being in first place until the final round of pub trivia, on our team’s very first attempt at working together (and I so want them all on team next time!).

–Snuggling into the cozy purple chair for movie night.

–Candles.

–Naps.

–Sepia-toned photos (for decoupage).

–Corsets.

–A somewhat spontaneous piano concerto concert and the good conversation afterwards.

–An important package that arrived in the mail today and the awesome friends who signed for it while I was away at work.

–Huge hugs from CatGirl and GameBoy when I walk in the door each evening.

–Tea and shawls.  Tea and shawls.  Tea and shawls….

I believe in pink…

Yesterday I posted a video by Pink (the musician) and today I’m posting a slideshow of pink (flowers, from my garden).  🙂

I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong…I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.
~Audrey Hepburn

[flickrslideshow acct_name=”pilgrimgirl” id=”72157625290605193″ border_width=”5″]

Have you ever….

Have you ever thrown a fistful of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said I just don’t care?

I came across this song today on Pandora, and it struck me as so poignant and beautiful. I just had to share.

Traveler’s Tales: “Divorced with two children”

Another post in the series of Traveler’s Tales

A Guest Post by Jeanne

When my sons were small, I used to tell people I was divorced with two children. Full stop. End of story.

Of course, people who knew us wondered how I got one Asian child and one pale-skinned red head with only one husband. When I mentioned that Older Son was adopted, that usually satisfied their curiosity.

But then if I happened to mention my years in Japan, and the fact that my ex-husband was Japanese, the cat was usually well out of the bag, and many people would ask me directly at this point … and I didn’t blame them.

Our family story is complicated, but perhaps not much more than most: I married a Japanese man when I was studying in Hawaii (an M.A. in Japanese language from the U of Hawaii). After a few years in Berkeley to get a second master’s in journalism, my husband and I went to Japan, where we adopted the boy I call Older Son. He is now 26 and well on his way to success in all aspects of his life. (Note my maternal pride.)

Fast forward five years, to a divorce (my idea) and my return to the states with Older Son in tow. We settled in Chico, CA, for a year, where I taught journalism and public speaking and Older Son attended a daycare where–for most of his time there–he was the only child who wasn’t white. There were scarcely any kids who weren’t BLOND. I knew this wasn’t going to work for us long-term.

During this time, I met the tall, blond research scientist who was to become the father of Younger Son. This pregnancy was an accident, but I call it a “happy accident”–I had never been pregnant before and I welcomed the pregnancy and sailed through it happily despite my situation as a (by then) unemployed single mother living on my savings from the Tokyo years.

We returned to Seattle, close to my birthplace of Tacoma and the town where I grew up, Hoquiam, WA. And I raised my sons alone. No, it wasn’t easy. But I was an older mother (30 when I adopted Older Son, 35 when I gave birth to Younger Son), and I would do it again.

Next time I’ll elaborate on my life as a single working mother, especially after my diagnosis with breast cancer when my sons were 13 and 8.

In the meantime, here’s my blog: http://assertivecancerpatient.com/

Support, stories, and a new blog feature

Within moments of John telling me that he was leaving our marriage, I texted a friend:

John is leaving me.  In despair.  Can I come over?

I remember almost nothing of that night except that I had a shoulder to cry on and a friend who listened and offered every imaginable support, while serving me cup after cup of hot herbal tea.  In the days that followed, as I explained my situation to other close friends, a tight net of support emerged around me.  The support often came from tangential relationships, such as the woman who came over to explain California divorce to me.  She’d never been to my home and we’d only met once before–but she was freshly divorced herself and knew she had information that I would need.  She stayed for hours and listened as much as she shared.

Then there was the group of friends who live far away, who daily sent me snail-mail letters and care packages.  These sweet notes arrived both in Pasadena and Irvine–they covered all the bases because they knew I was flitting between two homes during the month of December.  They were envelopes filed with color and poetry and care.  Reminders that I was loved and important and strong.  My Exponent sisters sent the softest-ever blanket with a giraffe-fabric pattern–as a reminder that giraffes are matriarchal creatures and they take care of their own.  That blanket went back-and-forth with me wherever I slept during December and is still folded into a rectangle at the foot of my bed.

Now, as I find myself trying to forge a path forward with this new life of mine, I continue to be influenced by the stories of friends who have followed similar trajectories.  Using the imagery of my blogtitle, I consider myself a fellow pilgrim with these women.  Some of them have traveled on ahead of me and can offer a map of where they’ve been.  Others are traveling alongside me, or are journeying on a similar, but separate, route.

Recently I wrote to several of these women and asked them to share their wisdom on my blog.  Because I feel as though we can all benefit from hearing their stories.  We have so much to learn from each other and we have so much support to offer those who are in the midst of their own difficult paths.  Thus, I’ll be posting the writings of many of these women as Guest Posts on Pilgrimsteps over the next few weeks, under the title of “Traveler’s Tales.” If you have a story or some thoughts that you would like to share for this feature, please send them to janaremyATgmail.

scholarly (or not)…

When I host parties, I like to mix up old invitations between old and new acquaintances.  So whenever anyone new arrives at the door, I make them endure a round of introductions wherein I typically introduce my friends by their graduate school affiliations.  Over time, I’ve come to realize that intro-ing my friends by their scholarly identities is pretty snobby of me, because it tends to marginalize those of my friends who aren’t in academia.  So at my last party I attempted to make introductions in a new vein, and it was far harder for me to do.

The thing is, I don’t think my academically-inclined friends are any more brilliant or interesting than any of my other friends.  But I think I’ve moved in academic circles for so long, that I’ve fallen into this habit–we tend to define ourselves by our field and our institutional affiliation.  And perhaps most significantly, as someone who is a nontraditional student, I worked so hard to get me some academic credibility that I think I probably wear it too boldly on my sleeve.  I don’t do so to raise myself above anyone else, but to acknowledge my own journey from housewife to scholar.  It’s been a hard-earned path.

As I’ve considered the qualities I’d like to have in future romantic partners, I’m weighing the pros and cons of dating other academics.  While it’s nice to be with someone who can understand the tensions and pleasures of my research, I wonder if it makes more sense to pursue a relationship with someone outside the ivory tower?  Because it could allow for more balance in a life that’s already rather stress-filled with writing deadlines, grant applications, and teaching (not to mention the pressures of simply finding a job!). On a related note, I’ve found Kelly’s list about what she’s looking for to be rather helpful in my considerations, but it doesn’t mention career paths specifically.

What do you think, internets?  Is it best to choose a partner who follows a similar career path, or one who is different (but complementary)?

still a rainbow…

Most of you probably remember our rainbow bookshelves.  Either you saw them in person or you saw the write-up about them in the New Yorker online.

When John left, he took most of the books and most of the bookshelves.  Which was okay with me.  I was ready for something new, and the books seemed so heavy, such a burden.  Both in physical weight and in the weight of memory.  I kept my professional books–moving them to my office at Chapman.  And I have two shelves of personal books in my bedroom.  But for the most part, the books are gone from my space.

So I’ve been working on re-doing my living room in the meantime.  I wanted it to be artful and comfortable, yet also have very clean lines.  And while it’s still a work-in-progress, this is how it now looks (this is the very same wall that used to be covered in books):

The art on the walls is mostly done by the children, with the portraits on the end being painted by my Aunt.  I love that it still retains the whimsical feel of the earlier rainbow bookshelves.  I also love just how much it still feels like home.

to the shores of your own choosing…

harbor mouth with the nose of my boat
Over the years I’ve signed up on a lot of mailing lists and sometimes get rather surprising emails in my inbox from some long-forgotten blog or listserv. That happened this morning, when I received a V-Day email from Magpie Girl (Rachelle Mee-Chapman). I clicked through to her link, sinking some inspiration for my day and my week. I found a poem and a blessing. What struck me most were these words:

In this time of great upheaval
when the seas shift beneath you
may you find your own deep balance
lying there betwixt your ears,
behind your breastbone,
warm in the core of your belly.

And may you stand in prow of your own ship,
guiding your self-christened vessel,
to shores of you own choosing
where a peaceful story awaits you,
and sometimes, a star.

This past week I’ve been considering what I most want out of my life right now and in the near future. Perhaps what surfaces the most easily when I ask this question is that I don’t want to be hurt. I want a soft cozy bubble of protection all around me to keep me from more pain. And I’ve been surrounding myself with soft cozy things as a manifestation of this: a plush rug, a new flannel bathrobe, a snuggly blanket, my Elly-kitty, etc.

But of course it’s not enough to simply want not be hurting. First of all, I know I need to keep moving forward with my life, and while there are times to wrap up in a blanket and just be, I know I can’t do this for very long. I need to keep seeking new opportunities, to make progress towards my goals, to keep myself open to what the universe has in store for me. Second of all, I know all the blankets in the world can’t protect me from more pain. Pain will happen. (That famous quotation: “Life is pain, your highness,” rings so loudly in my ears right now…).

Perhaps that’s why I love the image above of ‘standing at the prow of my own ship.’ I know what it means to be the steersman for my own canoe, and to listen to the wind and water and adjust my course accordingly. I don’t have any concrete examples to follow in where I’m going right now. I have only the dimmest outline of some island-goal ahead, and no compass at hand. I’m seeking counsel from friends and family, but for the most part I’m figuring this out myself–and I’m the only one who can do this. I don’t have to negotiate or compromise or apologize anymore. But I do have to dig my paddle in and make some decisions about where to point the nose of my boat.

Some days I even find myself turning around 180 degrees from the goal of the day before, but I do think, I’m making progress and figuring it out.  I suspect that if I had a GPS-charted map for my life right now I’d see a lot of zig-zagging (and a few circles), but overall I’m headed in the right direction.