Author Archives: janaremy@gmail.com

we need more worlds…

IMG_2255

Religious Consolation

by John Updike

One size fits all. The shape or coloration
of the god or high heaven matters less
than that there is one, somehow, somewhere, hearing
the hasty prayer and chalking up the mite
the widow brings to the temple, A child
alone with horrid verities cries out
for there to be a limit, a warm wall
whose stones give back an answer, however faint.

Strange, the extravagance of it—who needs
those eighteen-armed black Kalis, those musty saints
whose bones and bleeding wounds appall good taste,
those joss sticks, houris, gilded Buddhas, books
Moroni etched in tedious detail?
We do; we need more worlds. This one will fail.

catharsis and emergence (through ritual)

DSC_4123

For a long time I’ve wondered what to do with my wedding dress. It had severe mildew stains so it was unwearable. And certainly since the divorce it seemed like something that I would never want to wear again. I kept pulling it out of the closet and looking at it, wondering if I should simply toss it. But I kept thinking that it would work far better to do some sort of art project with it. I loved the dress and its simple lace–a reproduction of an Edwardian garden party dress. The ‘romantic’ within me knew that I couldn’t simply cast it into a trash bin.

At the same time, I’ve been yearning for some sort of ritual to bring closure to my marriage. I had planned some spectacular way to throw my wedding rings into the Back Bay, but it just didn’t feel right. So it seemed more apropos to use the dress for my ritual. And I also knew that it needed to involve the ocean. My ocean. My beach. Near where John proposed and where we created all of our family memories of the Balboa FunZone, kayaking, and bonfires. As these ideas percolated around in my brain, a plan came together. And a photographer-friend was as delighted to be a part of this ritual as I was to perform it.

That we did this the day after the tsunami, when the ocean water was still roiling with storm, was coincidence that turned into something meaningful. The currents came from Japan and touched our shores–just as in my cross-cultural marriage to a Japanese-American man. All of that connecting, all tugging at each of us, all testifying to the sometimes-destructive tide of relationships pulling us towards each other and then apart again…

I thought this might be a somber occasion.  I thought I might cry, or even feel loss and anger.  Instead, I was ebullient. Emerging feeling washed clean of the ugliness that came from the end of my relationship.  Stepping out of the sea alone and full of joy, flower petals scattered along my path…

[flickrslideshow acct_name=”pilgrimgirl” id=”72157626352812872″]

any other name…

I love the beach wind in my face

I’ve published this excerpt from Mary Oliver before, but I came across is again today as I remembered lessons learned in Cape Cod not too long ago. It brought back such potent memories of this journey that I’ve been on the past few years…

An excerpt from Mary Oliver’s “What is There Beyond Knowing”

What I know
I could put into a pack

as if it were bread and cheese, and carry it
on one shoulder,

important and honorable, but so small!
While everything else continues, unexplained

and unexplainable. How wonderful it is
to follow a thought quietly

to its logical end.
I have done this a few times.

But mostly I just stand in the dark field,
in the middle of the world, breathing

in and out. Life so far doesn’t have any other name
but breath and light, wind and rain.

If there’s a temple, I haven’t found it yet.
I simply go on drifting, in the heaven of the grass and the weeds.

When I’m in the proximity of wind and water, things just make sense in a way that they don’t in other places. I need the beach, I need to feel the pull and tug of waves. I need to walk in the rain and see pink petals falling on the sidewalk. I need to watch the clouds covering the moon. I need to remember that life doesn’t have “any other name but breath and light, wind and rain.”

Some moments from this week:

Meeting with students as we move into the final push for our big Oral History project. Realizing that this thing that we’ve been working on all year long is actually happening now. Seeing the fatigue and fear in their eyes, knowing that they will be so proud when this is done.

Paddling in the pouring rain. So cold I could hardly lift my paddle. But feeling so happy and alive to be on the ocean again.

Meeting with colleagues at the Huntington Library. Feeling satisfaction that the craziness of my life these past few months hasn’t quelled my academic ambitions.

Greeting the camellias at the Huntington once again. And the Japanese and Chinese gardens. Seeing that what was yellow just a few months ago is now green.

Hosting an evening for feminists. Strengthening old friendships and making new ones.

Being hailed as “Yawna” (the Czech pronunciation of Jana) and remembering how much I loved being called that so many years ago, and how right it sounds now.

 

And, as always, I am so excited for the upcoming weekend! There will be sand and sea. And more photography(!). And the dissertation chair (again). And pie. Doesn’t that all sound wonderful?

Just doing it…

This weekend I’m going to hit the ski slopes for the first time since 1988.  Nearly every time I’ve gone skiing something dramatically traumatic has occurred (mostly broken bones on my part–a wrist, an ankle, a hip pulled out of the socket).  I can’t even begin to express how excited I am to take this on at time in my life where I’m stronger, more body-aware, more ‘able’ than I ever have been before.  Something tells me that it’s all gonna be smooth sailing.  And if not…you can bet that there will be a great story to tell at the end of this adventure.  🙂

connection

Japanese

Because my children are each one-quarter Japanese I have a powerful connection to that land and culture.

So of course I am aching today along with so many of you. Wishing that there was something to be done to alleviate the suffering of so many.

Doll pictured above was a wedding gift from my former mother-in-law.  She still sits prominently in my living room.  Photo taken by AlanaK

let me count the ways…

mornings, with coffee

Many people have asked me whether I’ll return to the Mormon church now that John isn’t in my life (this probably stems from the assumption made by many people that I only left the church to please John–which is wrong on so many counts, including the one where he recently blamed me for pushing our family out of the church too quickly when I was finally done with it)…

So this morning (a typical morning) I thought it would be an interesting exercise to count all of the ways I violated Mormon commandments before I even got into the office.  Because I don’t live a Mormon lifestyle or even make any pretense of doing so:

1) I awoke wearing a tank top and short-shorts, and proceeded to bare my shoulders and thighs all morning long to anyone who happened to be looking through my windows.

2) At various times I entertained  four five fifteen several lewd thoughts.

3) As per my morning ritual, I brewed myself some coffee and drank two cups full, while basking in the sunshine on my living room rug (in immodest clothing, see #1) and doing yoga.

4) When I got dressed for work I put on a bra (next to my skin), underpants, and a sleeveless shirt (see #1), in addition to pants, socks and shoes.

5) I got a favorite bottle of wine out of the cupboard and licked it. (since I don’t drink in the mornings. Sheesh–just how depraved to think I am?).

6) Upon receiving a humorous text message from a friend, I burst out into laughter.

7) After my shower, I rubbed some lotion on to my new tattoo.

8) Although I abstained from drinking any morning tea, I did throw a new box of black tea into my purse to take to work for drinking later in the day.

9) While driving through some heinous traffic, I sang along to a song on the radio that had the dirty words omitted, but I sang them out loud anyways.

glow…

tulipmania

I recently bought a new camera.  My old camera worked fine, but I became increasingly frustrated with its inability to take pictures of people.  I knew I wanted a better photographic record of my life and my kids’ lives, so it seemed time for a bit of an investment in some new equipment.

So far, so good.  There’s a big learning curve when moving from a powershot camera to an SLR.  I’m experimenting and getting things wrong a lot.  But I’m having fun in the process.  There are so many buttons to push and so many features to try!

But most of all, what I’m loving about this camera is the way the light comes through the lenses.  Somehow it makes everything just a bit more glowy and beautiful.  Even I don’t look half bad when viewed through her lens. And my friends look gorgeous, I’d say!

Every morning I meditate by sitting in a shaft of sunlight in the middle of my living room (or if it’s warm enough, I sit on the back porch in the light).  I’m so hungry for warmth and light.  That I can capture it with my camera now, makes it even better.