Category Archives: John

because I’d rather be in bed

Many of you have probably already heard the tale of our freecycle bed. It’s a queen sized Ethan Allen, cherry wood, four poster canopy bed. It’s a bed for people have who live in 2-story, 5 bedroom homes with a double garage. It’s not really the type of bed that ‘fits’ in our 750 sq ft apartment (yep, you read that sq footage number correctly, there are no missing digits there). Yet, it’s an extravagance that I’ve justified because of the joy that it brings.

Our bed is the safest place in the world to me. It’s so high that I have to vault into it (yah, the travails of one-legged leaping into a ridiculously tall Victorian style bed). But when I’m nestled it, with its canopy of pale peach silk (gifted in a bag of misc fabric remnants from friend Carole), the world is shut out and I am in my perfectly safe space, like a cocoon. Hanging from the canopy edge is a string of multicolored lanterns, whose soft glow is just bright enough to read by, but just dim enough to soothe (or snooze, as often happens).

It seems apt that John and I have taken to recording our podcasts while in bed. There’s nothing kinky about it–it’s the most sheltered space in the house. The sounds of our voices don’t reverberate around in the bed–they are muffled by the draperies and the wall along the backside. Last night when we recorded our latest ‘cast, I reclined on my belly, foot in the air, totally relaxed in my coziest PJs as I told the story of our changing marriage relationship.

When I am tired or discouraged, I retreat to this bed, where I can nap or lie and dream for awhile. John and I have our best conversations in this bed. Where nothing else can distract and we are completely focused on each other. Our bed, this space, is both haven and heaven.

why I blog

I’m preparing to speak about Mormon feminist blogging in a few weeks. So as I’ve been mulling over various thoughts, I thought I’d make a list of the top 10 reasons why I blog….

1)For reflection. Each time I sit at my computer to write a post, I reflect on my life and cull the gems that I feel are worth sharing. This affords the opportunity to recall joy, blessings, frustrations. I like these moments of examination, they offer great insight.
2)For FUN. Often, blogging is play for me. I take an experience and try to render it in text. I experiment with phrasing, punctuation and pauses. I attempt to express humor and pathos.
3)To tell it like it is. I like having the uninterrupted space to tell my stories. No one us cutting me off mid-sentence or censoring my words. It’s probably the narcissist in me that enjoys the blog as both soapbox and pedestal.
4)To speak the unspeakable. On my blog I’ve often discussed my disability. This is a fairly taboo subject in mainstream culture. It’s empowering to me to tell the stories of my different body without framing them in terms of an inspirational or pity-full narrative. Yet, ironically, it is the parts of my life that are the most visible (my religious practice, my academic pursuits) that I discuss least often. I’m not yet sure why that is. (more on this in #10)
5)To share pictures. I’ve just started really enjoying photography. I know our camera sucks and my photos are amateur-ish, but they bring me great joy. I love sharing my ā€˜lens’ with you.
6)For community. Several of you, dear readers, know me only through my blog. Others of you are old familiar friends who like to continue to keep in touch through cyberspace. I cherish my virtual neighborhood. Your blogs and emails nourish me, your thoughts buoy me, and your comments affirm, challenge, provoke and validate my musings.
7)For memory. What joy it is to scroll through my blog history and remember the fun things I’ve done!
8)Because I’m a geek. Hmmmm….yes, I spend a good chunk of my day sitting at my laptop writing emails and composing blogposts. ā€˜nuff said.
9)To mimic John. I’m not really the jealous type, but I saw all the benefits that he’s gotten from blogging through the years, and I wanted in on it, too!
10)To be vulnerable. Though the personal essays and other opportunities I’ve had to share the intimate parts of my life over the past 10 years, I have often been afraid. I’ve been afraid to tell the truth as I see it, I’ve been afraid of offending, I’ve even been afraid of ā€˜discipline.’* But there is something so empowering about laying out truth bare. My truth-telling brings me closer to others, creates bonds with strangers, allows an intimacy that is both frightening and exhilarating.

*I suspect that the reason I feel reticent to discuss school and church are because of fear of backlash. Within academia there’s a pretty high barrier to becoming personal and vulnerable. The LDS church has a history is censuring its more outspoken members, especially feminist women. So far, no one in the Mormon ‘Bloggernacle’ has been disciplined by church authorities for what they’ve written on their blogs, yet I am still wary. I love the freedom of the LDS community on the Net. I don’t want to see that change.

screaming like a girl

John, in the surf near Newport Pier when a big wave suprises him with a splash on his bare chest. And I am standing next to him, grinning ear-to-ear, droplets of salty water burning the edges of my eyes, and my crutches sinking deeper into the sand with each incoming wave.

pose

I am a bird in hand!
Find your own pose!

This quiz definitely has some interesting questions….I like how it described this ‘bird in hand’ pose: “The experience and wisdom that comes from possessing and then losing love makes Bird in Handers unusually grateful partners, and they revel in the relief of finding themselves in each other’s arms night after night.”

John and I often sleep in a slightly modified version of this pose–usually it happens if I am in the right side of the bed. If I’m on the left, we tend to sleep facing away from each other.

We used to always sleep on the same side of our bed–John on the left, me on the right. Recently, though, we’ve started switching according to who goes to bed first, or who wants to be warmer (the right side of the bed is against the wall and tends to be a tad toastier).

on teeth and men…


What is it with men and their fancy-pantsy toothbrushes?

John likes to select his toothbrushes by the number of accessories they possess. Soft-grip handle? Tooth-whitening bristles? Gum massager? Dayglo handle with weird stripes down the side? The more the better for him. Same with toothpaste–he’s got to try the latest-greatest flavor w/mouthwash enhancers, polishing power-clumps, and denture-prevention creme.

Me, I pretty much don’t mind what sort of brush I use as long as the bristles are intact (none of those freebie-brushes-with-poorly-anchored-bristles for me). I also don’t like paste with colors. Tom’s of Maine is a personal favorite.

hack-proof

So this hacker tried to get access to my blog today.

The irony is that I’ve hacked his blog on his birthday, but this techno-genius wasn’t able to hack mine. Makes this year-older girl kinda proud.
šŸ™‚

on cats & crutches

John asked (as he was simultaneously petting ellycat and toweling off after his morning shower):
ā€œWhat if humans had fur like cats all over their bodies?ā€

Jana: ā€œThen we would have riots and wars over the fact that some of us cats have different-colored fur. Can you imagine how snotty the Siamese-cat humans would be?ā€

John: ā€œMe, I’d be a hairless catā€

John finished drying off and the conversation drifted off into another direction. But as I was doing dishes this afternoon I thought a bit more about what type of cat I would be…

I think I would be like the B&W three-legged cat that we used to meet on our walks to the garden. That cat was agile and strong. His missing leg caused him to lurch from side-to-side a bit, but never slowed him down.

Being a three-legged catwould mean I would have no need of crutches like the new ones I bought yesterday. For 22 years I’ve used hand-me-down or thrift store crutches. For the first time I bought my own. They are of the space-age folding variety because I’m sick of having to hand-carry my full-size crutches every time I travel. They always cause problems at security checkpoints and they don’t fit in the overhead bin (thus, they usually ride in a posh first class coat closet while I’m relegated to coach). Because I like to travel light (e.g. two weeks in Europe w/one small daypack), the crutches really slow me down…

But no more…(purr, purr)

deja vu…in the rain

It was almost dark by the time John got my bike home tonite (he’d had to ride it home from the shop where I bought it in Newport Beach).

But despite the gloaming and the rain, the kids and I went out for a bike ride (John joined us on foot, because his bike was at his office).

We decided that the large mostly-empty parking lot across the street would be the best place to ride together, with it being so rainy and almost-dark. It was great fun doing donuts around the streetlights, zooming up and down the slight hill in the middle of the lot, racing each other from one end to the other (a long ways–the parking lot is almost a block long).

It wasn’t until we were returning inside that I remembered that this was the same parking lot that I had paced back and forth in during the hours that I was in labor with C so many years ago. The contractions coming unevenly, the constant walking to both ease the pain and to initiate labor (he was a week overdue).

Back then I couldn’t have imagined myself zipping around on a bicycle with my two pre-teen kiddoes in tow. But that night, like tonite, was so full of promise, of joy, of surrender. It made me so grateful for then…for now…and for what amazing adventures the future holds for our family.
[Note: both kids had a wet mud streak up their backs after our ride. Me, I was spared such. Granny bikes don’t leave backtracks. šŸ™‚]