Category Archives: deep thoughts

you get to decide….

I’ve been working on a bucket list of things that I’d like to do.  It’s a crazy list, ranging from easy to impossible.  But it seems worth putting it all down in writing somewhere, to refer to when I get a hankering to pursue a new goal.  If you’re interested, take a look.

So many of the things on this list I would have written off as impossible a few years ago–for example, I can remember when I was 28, telling a friend that I’d never ski again.  Because I was already too old.

Perhaps the gift of turning 40 is the realization that it’s now or never…and simply not letting impossible enter into the equation.

From the “Impossible Manifesto”

Excitement comes from not quite knowing what’s coming next. When you travel the road that everyone else paves for you, it’s fairly easy to know what’s next, because they tell you.

When you pave your own, you have no idea. No one has ever done what you’re about to do. You can have reference points from mentors but for the first time in your life, no one is telling you what’s up ahead.

There’s bad news and good news:

The bad news: Nobody can tell you what’s next.
The good news: Nobody can tell you what’s next.

You get to decide.

live a good story

Recently I came across the Impossible Things blog through the story of the author’s coffeeshop interaction with Russell Kirsch.  I poked around the site a bit and was impressed with the author’s verve.  I’m the kind of person who likes big challenges, and doing “impossible things” seems a great approach to life.

Perhaps what I found most provocative on his site, was this phrase:

Live a good story. Then don’t be afraid to tell people about it.

Because I’m struggling a bit with the telling of my life story these days.  Some days I’m just not interested in sharing–the initial adrenaline rush that came from being all wide-and-open on the internet simply isn’t there for me anymore.  Also, I’m feeling a need to resist the tidy narratives that are often created for my blogposts–the rosy-colored tint of my voice here feeling a bit too saccharine for the realities of my current day-to-day experience.

But there’s some irony in my reticence to share, because quite simply, my life is more interesting and blog-worthy than it ever has been before.  This past year I’ve traveled to more cities than I can hardly recall, had dramatic romantic encounters that would rival anything on the big screen, have supported my kids through some of the most important transitions in their lives, and have welcomed more friends & food & flowers into my daily experience than I could have ever imagined.  All that, while learning being a breadwinner, finishing my doctoral degree, and being at the peak of physical health.

The other day Catgirl stepped into my office and asked me if I was writing my life story yet.  She thinks I have some important stories to tell.  And perhaps that’s just the motivation that I need to get the job done.

 

sometimes…

Given that today is National Coming Out Day, it seemed time for this post that’s been brewing in my mind (and in my drafts folder) for awhile… 

I’ve spoken a bit about dating and relationships on my blog over the past two years, but largely I’m keeping that part of my life private from my online presence.  The reasons for my doing so are various, but are mostly due to my desire to keep personal things personal (which feels right after having lived such a public life on this blog for several years).  And for the record I’m in a relationship right now, so this post is not intended as an advertisement for a dating partner.

So what I want to say is simply this: since my marriage ended and I began dating again, sometimes I’ve dated men and sometimes I’ve dated women.

Because, what I’ve learned about myself over the years is that I have attraction for many different types of people.  And I’ve also learned that it’s a delightful position to be in, at this middle stage of my life, to have the opportunity to pursue those varied attractions in new relationships.  Yes, there have been a few awkward moments in this process and I’ve experienced a few of the challenges that same-sex couples navigate, but for the most part I live in a community where this simply isn’t an issue.  And for that I’m grateful.  Because I think any of us should be able to follow the path of attraction and love, even when it’s not a typical one.

For those brave people who have fought for GLBTIQ rights and freedoms–for those who have agitated and marched and exited closets only to find yourself homeless or unemployed or bullied, I owe you so much.  Thank you.  Thank you for making this world one in which I am free to pursue romance with whomever I want to, without the fear of consequences.

 

details…

IMG_7938

This weekend I spent my time in the details.  There were drops of water on succulent plants, sun salutations to lengthen my spine, and lots of getting familiar with my new kitchen by baking and stewing and getting those last few boxes of cooking items unpacked.

For so many reasons it was worth stepping away from the “big picture” for a few days to spend time with a macro view.

predatory

In the midst of a sublime weekend, two reminders that I live among predators…

First…Ellycat is now officially a hunter–she left the remains of her first prey (a mouse, it seems) on the floor in my bedroom on Sunday morning (the catch probably coming from a brief meander outside on Saturday evening while the rest of us were busy over some Flemish stew and a bit of Belgian ale).  Now I know that I am safe from rodents with her around.  That she has now taken to draping herself over furniture like a mighty cheetah is rather endearing.

And then this morning as we had breakfast and coffee on the back patio, a red-tailed hawk joined in.  He sat on the fence looking around for awhile, oblivious to the humans below.  It’s the first time we’ve been him in the week that we’ve lived at the new place.

I, for one, am pretty happy to know that we have two rodent-eaters on hand.

Photo above of the swing on our front porch.  One of my new favorite spot for morning coffee-drinking…

our finest impulses…

(h/t Jen Grey)

“Every day we slaughter our finest impulses.
That is why we get a heartache when we read those lines written by the hand of a master and recognize them as our own, as the tender shoots which we stifled because we lacked the faith to believe in our own powers, our own criterion of truth and beauty.
Every man, when he gets quiet, when he becomes desperately honest with himself, is capable of uttering profound truths. We all derive from the same source. there is no mystery about the origin of things. We are all part of creation, all kings, all poets, all musicians; we have only to open up, only to discover what is already there.”
― Henry Miller

but happiness floats…

This poem expresses much of what I’ve been feeling lately–so much deep satisfaction with my life’s happenings.  Sometimes it feels almost wrong to be so pleased with things, to have so many elements fall into place.  But at the same time, I also believe in the line of this poem that “You are happy either way…”  Because I’ve nearly-always chosen happiness, despite the difficulties of my life circumstances.

Still sometimes I wonder if because I’ve had challenges in so many things for so long, what I will do if things are just good?  Will it cause my life to be boring and predictable?  Will I create small and unnecessary dramas because I don’t have big ones anymore?  Or will I start getting itchy for the open road and new possibilities (and dangers)?

Two nights ago (my first night sleeping on my own bed in our new house), I woke up realizing that I’d slept better than I had in years–deep, restful, peaceful sleep.  And now I’m looking forward to so many more nights of that ahead…and thinking that whatever the future might hold, for now I will just relax and see how things unfold from here…

So Much Happiness

by Naomi Shihab Nye

It is difficult to know what to do with so much happiness.
With sadness there is something to rub against,
a wound to tend with lotion and cloth.
When the world falls in around you, you have pieces to pick up,
something to hold in your hands, like ticket stubs or change.

But happiness floats.
It doesn’t need you to hold it down.
It doesn’t need anything.
Happiness lands on the roof of the next house, singing,
and disappears when it wants to.
You are happy either way.
Even the fact that you once lived in a peaceful tree house
and now live over a quarry of noise and dust
cannot make you unhappy.
Everything has a life of its own,
it too could wake up filled with possibilities
of coffee cake and ripe peaches,
and love even the floor which needs to be swept,
the soiled linens and scratched records…..

Since there is no place large enough
to contain so much happiness,
you shrug, you raise your hands, and it flows out of you
into everything you touch. You are not responsible.
You take no credit, as the night sky takes no credit
for the moon, but continues to hold it, and share it,
and in that way, be known.

blues

I get blue sometimes.  And sometimes those feelings persist and worsen to the point that they verge on depression.

When that happens, I run through my list of four things and make sure that I’m doing each one–because I’ve found that these help so much with helping me to rebound from those blue periods.

1) Getting some time in the sun and fresh air.  If it’s rainy or wintry, I make sure that I’m using full-spectrum bulbs in my home so I can mimic the sunshine for a bit (and get that depression-fighting vitamin D flowing).

2) Eating well, especially limiting sugar and simple carbs.

3) Exercising.  This one is key for me.  For example, in the first few weeks after I split with my ex, I made sure that I exercised every single day–knowing that if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have the emotional strength to deal with all I was facing.  For me, weightlifting, paddling, swimming and racquetball (with my silly Remy rules) are particularly effective.

4) Spending time with friends.  When I’m in a blue period I’ll often make sure that everyday I have some time with a friend scheduled–a drink, a lunch, or a trip to the climbing wall together.

I’ve also got a few songs that help to lift my spirits, that are on an iTunes playlist called “Here Comes the Sun.”  Here’s one of them:

I also have a favorite soft blanket that I’ll wrap around me if I’m having a particularly tough time.  With some books of poetry nearby.

What do you do to fight the blues?

how long…

This past weekend was wonderful.  I got to spend time paddling, with friends, and getting caught up on home things (i.e. laundry and packing).  But mostly, I spent time with the kiddos.

We cooked all of our meals together (I’m giving them basic cooking lessons as a prep for their soon-to-be living on their own), watched movies, and just talked.  And talked.  We ate our meals on the back porch surrounded by the bird chatter (I loved that moment that GameBoy looked up into the trees and exclaimed “There are a lot of birds up there!”  And maybe finally understood why I like taking my morning coffee and afternoon tea out on the deck).

As the weekend came to an end we were up late talking once again and I told them what a wonderful time it had been.  I asked them if they noticed how different this weekend was from the other ones that we’ve had together the past few months.  And for a moment they thought about it but didn’t grasp what made this one so special.  Then I reminded them that it was our first weekend together since I’d graduated, and recounted just how stressful my weekends had been in my final push to finish writing my dissertation.

Then Catgirl asked, “Mom, how long has it been since you’ve been doing schoolwork on your weekends?”

“Ten years.”

(she was five then)

that things can happen…

“When in the end, the day came on which I was going away, I learned the strange learning that things can happen which we ourselves cannot possibly imagine, either beforehand, or at the time when they are taking place, or afterwards when we look back on them.” – Karen Blixen Out of Africa, 1937

I’ve had the thought lately that I shouldn’t speak about how satisfied I am with my life right now, because that will somehow jinx the goodness of things.  But on the other hand, it seems a shame not to acknowledge beauty and joy when they occur, or to keep too great a worry of “what ifs” in my mind that I can’t appreciate the present state of things.

So I will just say it.  Things are really good.  Unimaginably good.  And it’s hard for me to think of a time that I’ve been any happier than I am right now.  When I sit on my back porch in the mornings and reflect about the various comings-and-goings of people and events at chez Remy, I often feel as though this is just a happy bubble of a dream that turned into a life much more interesting and enjoyable than any I’d ever imagined for myself.  It’s a strange feeling, indeed.  But also very very good.

Right now my mind’s awhirl with memories as I’m packing for our move to a house that’s a few blocks away from where we live now.  As I do so I’m shedding even more weight from the past (things not used in over a year are being given away), and being intentional about the kind of home that I want… Simple.  Comfortable.  Clean.  Bright.  Warm.  Organized. Artful.  Roomy.  At the beginning of 2012 I expressed a wish to find a home that was truly home, and I’ve found that now.  Do you remember what I said?:

my biggest goal of 2012 is to find a home–not a rented temporary space like where I now live, but a place where I walk in the door at night and know just where I am. Where the kitchen is familiar, where morning light comes in the front window, where there’s a garden of flowers and herbs. In my imagination my home has plaster walls and creaky wood floors and a porch with a wicker chair.

This new house has all of the above–rich wood floors throughout the downstairs, a broad front porch with a swing(!) and plenty of room for a wicker chair, a backyard landscaped with native plants, more types of lavender than I could keep track of, and an ample kitchen herb garden as well as several fruit trees. And of course it has some rosebushes, too.

Perhaps it feels a bit superficial to be so excited about our new house–because I know it won’t necessarily make me any happier than I am now.  But at the same time, it’s also satisfying to see the simple desires that I expressed so clearly just a few months ago coming to fruition.  Perhaps the last piece of my life that’s felt unsettled since the divorce was the finding of a home-place.  And this is it.  And I think it’s about time.